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A Few Complaints© by xxSkillzFleaxx

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Skill Flea

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« on: 01:41:11 PM 06/07/16 »
I’m still the same old retired police officer. And I got to tell you, it’s boring as fuck.  My hand is actually starting to hurt from all the beatings I give my dick of a son and even getting piss drunk at the local church has started to not give me that same feeling of satisfaction. The truth is, I’m bored as fuck.

So I decided to go back into my old memories and try to find some nostalgia from my days on the force. I shed some joyful man tears when I saw pictures of my old partner. I was so happy to see him and hadn’t cried this hard since the last Trump rally.

Then I took out this giant box that was sealed tightly with packing tape. The message on the box was written very cruelly in comic sans:

“OFFICE COMPLAINTS”

“That’s right!” I thought to myself as I began to laugh at this box.

For some reason a lot of the other officers hated me while I was a cop. When this happened, I would naturally try to get them fired.  My reasoning was that anyone who disliked someone as patriotic as myself could only be a spy for the Mexican government. The point is, I needed to get on good terms with the chief in order to get these fake cops to go back over the border. He loved me and I hated his cats. He’d make me go over there when he was out of town to feed them and shit. It was awful but I did it for America.

In any case, the chief put me in charge of the office complaints. Aside from cops and dicktectives, we had normal people come into the office to do office work. Accountants, tech guys, and all those other cubicle faggots circle-jerking around our solitude of justice. They and anyone working in the precinct could fill out an office complaint form if they were triggered in some way. Of course, I never read them and would report to the chief with a box filled with my own complaints. Sometimes hundreds of them by the end of the week. That’s how I was able to get so many people fired and give the middle finger to their stupid Mexican country. But I always took the real complaints home with me and put them in a box. Kind of like a trophy of my success.

But I was bored and read through thousands of these things that were written in a span of at least two decades. I decided to post some of them for you dickweeds sitting there reading this garbage.
 
COMPLAINT: The donuts keep disappearing from the break room. If the cops don’t have their donuts and coffee it could cause “police brutality”. Especially for Dad Cop.

COMPLAINT: How do we get conformation with the complaints? None of mine have been answered.
 
COMPLAINT: Since nobody is actually looking into this box, a few officers said they were going to put some really stupid shit in it to see if it gets a response.

COMPLAINT: Frank is cheating on his wife when he thinks I'm not watching. Please do something about this immediately.   

COMPLAINT: Too many brothers in the holding cells. What the hell is up with Dad Cop!

COMPLAINT: Three punk ass kids with weapons were beat up at a birthday party. Apparently all the parents just watched and helped some teen after he was set on fire. I’m too old for this shit.

COMPLAINT: Dad Cop is a menace. He needs to be fired.

COMPLAINT: Why the fuck do we keep getting 911 calls about Disney! Peopl need to be more creative. 

COMPLAINT: The Yankees lost last week and Gary isn’t paying up. I want my $30!

COMPLAINT: I arrested this guy for having a ton of illegal pornography. He keeps saying it was advertised as “Normal”. Please book him in cell 8-D.

COMPLAINT: This is a robbery!

COMPLAINT: Frank is now cheating on my wife. I like watching and hate sitting there in my filth. 

COMPLAINT: Someone on the force has a sick sense of humor. At a closed off crime scene, someone carved words into the trunk of an oak tree where three artists hung themselves. It read “Artist Tree”. 

COMPLAINT: WE CAN’T JUST RELEASE LIU! IT WOULD MAKE THE STORY TOO CRINGY! OH GAWD WHAT HAVE Y0U DONe!!

COMPLAINT: Who the hell authorized the Boy Scouts to come in here for a community service project? Frank is giving them looks and it’s weird.

COMPLAINT: Vincent tried to sell me a skull for $6,000. I don’t know where he got it but I need backup NOW!

COMPLAINT: No! I’m serious! This is a robbery! why wouldn’t anyone get on the fucking ground! 

COMPLAINT: Frank’s office smells like Boy Scouts! DEAR GOD WHY!

COMPLAINT: Some idiot came in here to report a costume freak try to rip his own head off. I beat his ass and told him to leave. Please arrest the fucker if anyone sees him again.

COMPLAINT: Seriously, Dad Cop needs to be fired. Whoever reads though these things is not doing their job.

COMPLAINT: HA LIU IS DEAD NOW! TOLD YOU IT WAS A MISTAKE!

COMPLAINT: The woman in the holding cell B-3 complained about the lack of taste with her lunch. Dad Cop just beat her ass an d calls her dead pallet. 

COMPLAINT: Kaela knows who I am! Someone call the police!!
 
COMPLAINT: My Penpal stopped writing. Can I have another?

COMPLAINT: The Girl Scouts are now coming. HAVE WE LEARNED NOTHING!

COMPLAINT: What do I do if the chief is hitting on me?

COMPLAINT: Dad Cop called me a slutty McButt and then slapped my backside. I’d complain to HR is they weren’t so lazy.

COMPLAINT: dunkin donuts is NOT Krispy Kreme! Get your shit together there are lives at stake here!!

COMPLAINT: The old man in holding cell M-C keeps rattling the holding cell bars with his cane. Get him to stop I can’t work!

COMPLAINT:  Hi, I’m a registered sex offender.

COMPLAINT: Dad Cop’s son came to the precinct and I punched him in the face. I can’t explain it but seeing this kid makes everyone here really irate. Please ban him from all offices.

COMPLAINT: The copy machine is acting up again. Also who put me on all the wanted posters again?

COMPLAINT: I ran into this teenager with hyper realistic blood dripping out of his eyes and mouth. He had a knife and told me it was time to sleep. I shot him. My job here is too boring can I transfer?

COMPLAINT: Frank came in with this stupid video game and now plays it all day. Some sort of simulator game for the NES. He’s addicted and isn’t doing his work. 

COMPLAINT: Serious question here. Why are you still reading this? I mean sure, you have a box filled with complaints and it may seem interesting to you but I wanted to ask you why. Why you thought reading this post randomly written by someone else would be necessary. Get a life! Otherwise you are going to be spending all your time on online forums and chat rooms.

COMPLAINT: Seriously stop reading.

COMPLAINT: Seriously stop it.

COMPLAINT: These Girl Scouts taste great.
 

« Last Edit: 06:28:40 PM 06/07/16 by Skill Flea »
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Zathoth

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« Reply #1 on: 03:08:47 PM 06/07/16 »
Girl scouts do taste great. I usually invite their mothers over so we can have a romantic dinner, dining on girl scouts.

Girl scout mothers also taste great ifunowatimean  ;)

Seriously though, this was just as beautiful as everything else you write XD

Bomozomaaoka

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« Reply #2 on: 11:51:24 PM 10/19/17 »
 to the chief with a box filled with my own complaints. Sometimes hundreds of them by the end of the week. Tha