The Library => Your Stories => Story Critique => Topic started by: Silverado on 03:23:14 AM 02/14/17
Love at First Sight
I would always regret going to that starbucks that fine winter morning. I was desperate to find a date and my friend told me to hang around some bars or cafes to see if I can find a woman. I was in university struggling to make ends meet my diet consisted of ramen and Dr. Pepper™ and it's been a few months since I've washed my shirts, But across the room I saw someone sitting by themselves. She was small and cute and I haven't seen any other guys hit on her so I decided I might as well go up to her. I had dressed my best and tried to look like I wasn't completely homeless.
I started, “um… Hi… My name is… Um… Bryan, Bryan Sparks. Who are you? “.
She responded, “ Hello my name’s Helen, Helen Brooker. You can call me “Brooks” for short”.
I said, “Hi Brooks I was uh… Uh.. Wondering if I could buy you a drink”
She answered, “sure I'd take a hot cocoa, or anything for that matter”.
I said okay and walked over to the counter to order a cocoa. I handed it to her and she said thanks. We talked for a while and the entire time I payed attention. We talked about school, family, friends then she asked me a startling question.
“Hey wanna come over to my place for the night? “.
“Sure”, I replied.
Everything seemed to be going by quickly, I must have looked like a mess with how nervous I was. Anyways, she lead me out of the bar and she lead me the her apartment building which was surprisingly close. Along the way we stopped to see the little scenery of New York. Her room number 212 has locked and she wasted a few minutes looking through her purse when the keys we're in her pocket.
This is the first time I've ever been invited into a woman's house, or in this case apartments. She had some art deck furniture which looked quite nice. A painting or two we're sprinkled throughout her home and I saw a statuette of some long forgotten hero.
“Wait here while I go freshen up you can just wait on the bed”.
Holy shit we're the only two words I could think of at that moment. Were we going to watch some innocent tv or was it something more? I went to the bedroom which I located with ease and sat myself down on the rigid bed (Don't lie, you've never been to a hotel with half decent beds, have you?). A few minutes later she walked in. She came close to me and started unbuttoning her shirt. my heart was racing, my knees were weak, palms were sweaty. Then two long black wings unfurled from behind her. The only two words I could think of were “Oh Shit”. Her face contorted into one not unlike a jaguar. Her teeth grew into the size of butcher knives. The door was open the only exit. I ran. I ran so fast everything turned into nothing but a blur. Fuck the elevator I used the stairs. When I got home I locked the doors and cried for 3 hours. To this day the only time I go outside is for work and food and I treat everyone like they were ready to kill me. l lost all my friends and I've been here for years. I watch the skies by day never letting my guard down. But recently there's been a string of murders in several apartments and alleyways. All dead from blood loss. She's on the move and I could be her next lover.
The build up is nice, but I think the ending is too much, I think it would be scarier if you did something a bit subtler. What exactly I have no idea, but something.
I was also reminded of A Woman Seldom Found, not sure how useful it will be for you, but I'll link it anyway: https://theeveningrednessinthewest.wordpress.com/category/a-woman-seldom-found/
Personally, I like the way that ending just hits you suddenly. It made me, the reader, just as surprised as the narrator was. The main thing I will say is that the few sentences after he escapes don't really seem to hold a lot of weight. It almost feels like you were in a mad dash to try wrapping things up. I like the idea of leaving it on a dangerous cliffhanger, but maybe even changing the last sentence to say something like, "She's on the move and she knows my face." might make it feel like the danger is more directly connected to the narrator rather than just existing.
There's also a lot of grammar things that really need to be fixed. I could give a more thorough breakdown of that if you'd like.
This is the first story I felt half decent about and to everyone who leaves criticism thank you. But then again I don't feel I deserve much praise because I write every story at midnight and fall asleep afterwards. So my grammar is shit everything is shitvand at the time of writing this it's ten o clock and I shoulve been asleep half an hour ago. My main problem is that it feels a bit too short yeah there was a character limit but things went by way too quick for me.
I could give a more thorough breakdown of that if you'd like.
Please do my good sir
Also I don't know exactly how to quote so if this comes out weird or shitty please don't judge too much