Custom Creepypasta, Just A Dream.

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Spooky

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« on: 08:59:05 PM 11/10/15 »
I was taking a normal jog down the park near bye. But this time, this time, it was different. When i was jogging it was very foggy except for right in front of me, just so i could see. In this jog, i had the feeling i was being watched, and this feeling was there, but i didn't have a bad feeling like you would in real life if you felt like you were being watched, i didn't feel uneasy. As i was jogging, the road in front of me kept getting longer, like that cliche' in 80's horror movies, i guess you could say it was like a hallway getting longer the more you traveled. When i as jogging, i decided to  look to my sides to see... well, nothing. There just was, well, i guess i could say, black. But once again, i had no emotion, and just kept jogging forward for a while, when i finally got tired and stood to rest, i then noticed behind me their was more black, and it was coming towards me. I started to run, as fast as i could, i didn't stop to look, or stop to take a breath, i just kept running. When i had got too tired to move, the black finally caught up, and when it was getting closer it seemed as the black was forming together to make a figure, when it reached me, it spoke in a dark gentle voice, "how's your jog going friend?" And for some deranged answer, i had the nerve to answer. "G-G-Good". Which he replied "I'm glad you're having a fun jog". Which then i said back "This is just a dream". Which he replied "Oh, this isn't a dream buddy, it isn't a dream".


Thanks guy's for reading my first creepypasta, I made it really quick, I am learning to be a creepypasta author, I hope you enjoyed, thanks. ~ Spooky
From the box in you're garage, ~ Spooky

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« Reply #1 on: 04:31:32 PM 11/14/15 »
Besides a little bit of proofreading needing to be done, it's an interesting idea.  There's wasn't much of a tone here, which kind of ruins the experience you creating. A story is more than just recalling the events but presenting them in the way you want the reader to see it.  Varying your use of vocabulary and sentence structure could be useful in making the story flow more smoothly.  Creepypasta is mostly a psychological form of writing where you have to use the words on the page (or, in this case, the screen) to get inside of the reader's head and make them have nightmares! >:D

First person point-of-view isn't all about the narrator. A story that says, "I did this. I went here. I felt this," can get boring. What makes a story interesting is the use of language to make the reader sink into the story and be absorbed by it. You seemed to be attempting to convey a suspenseful mood.  In the future, think about "what makes this intense?" Is it the environment, the situation, the mental state of the narrator?  Consider the deep contexts of the story before and during writing to really make the reader shiver in his/her boots!

Just because you're done writing the story, doesn't mean it's ready to be posted. Editing and proofreading is gonna be your friend in anything you do.  Proofreading will do more than just weed out the mistakes in grammar and spelling but also make you think about the organization of the story and how it is set up. Maybe when you reread it, this one sentence doesn't seem to fit here or it would make more sense over here. It's okay to move things around and change them after you're done writing.  Maybe set it aside for awhile and have someone else read it before you publish it. Another set of eyes on a story helps with seeing the flaws in your writing that you don't see yourself. It's your story and you want it to be the best that it can be!

Overall, not a bad idea. It was interesting to read.  Just think about these few things and remember (even though it's said a million times) "Practice makes perfect!"  ;D
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« Reply #2 on: 12:36:41 PM 11/15/15 »
So pretty nifty idea for a story. Jogging at night in the dark with a mysterious entity following close behind. I think you know what a creepypasta should be, so I'm going to advise you to work on your grammar/spelling. 

You have to capitalize all of your "I"s, its a pretty crucial concept for any good story. I got confused on the first sentence until I realized you had meant to say "nearby" instead of "near bye". Try to use "the local park" instead of "the park near bye". 

"In this jog, i had the feeling i was being watched, and this feeling was there, but i didn't have a bad feeling like you would in real life if you felt like you were being watched, i didn't feel uneasy." - This is a run-on sentence that over explains the protagonist's feelings of being watched. Try this:

"The leaves crunched underneath my feet as I continued to jog forward. Surrounded on all sides by complete darkness, it slowly dawned on me that I was being watched." - or something like that.

Also, keep in mind that the reader is going to ask questions as they read. Your character is jogging by a park. Why is the character doing this? Your character feels no emotion. Why not? I'm not saying you should answer every question a reader might have but its important to approach your own stories as a reader too.

Keep working hard, press on forward, and you will do great!     
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G. Preeb

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« Reply #3 on: 05:25:55 PM 11/15/15 »
It's good to see new writers coming into the Creepypasta arena. Since this site is new, I feel that it is my pretentious duty to help set a precedent for how I would like to see the forums be. In my mind, I think this site should be a friendly place where people are willing to help each other no matter the skill level.

With that being said, I have read the story and have seen a few problems. Don't let it discourage you, the only way to get better is to have someone point out the flaws. I won't touch on style or content, but I will show some of the grammatical errors I have seen.

Note: corrected errors will be encased in square brackets [] followed by [sic]

I was taking a normal jog at[sic] the park nearby[sic]. But this time, this time, it was different. When i[sic] was jogging it was very foggy,[sic] except for right in front of me-[sic] just so i[sic] could see. [During][sic] this jog, i[sic] had the feeling [i[sic] was being watched, and this feeling was there, but i[sic] didn't have a bad feeling like {insert:what} you would {insert: have} in real life if you felt like you were being watched.[sic] i[sic] didn't feel uneasy.

[New paragraph] As i[sic] was jogging, the road in front of me kept getting longer, like that cliche' in 80's horror movies, i guess you could say it was like a hallway getting longer the more you traveled. When i as jogging, i[sic] decided to  look to my sides to see {...}{improper use of elipses} well, nothing. There just was, well, i guess i could say, black. But once again, i[sic] had no emotion{,}{delete} and just kept jogging forward for ahile w[.] [W][^]hen [sic] finally got tired and stood to rest, i[sic] then noticed behind me their[sic] was more black, and it was coming towards me. I started to run, as fast as i[sic] could, i[sic] didn't stop to look, or stop to take a breath, i[sic] just kept running.

[New paragraph] When i[sic] had got[sic] too tired to move, the black finally caught up, and when it was getting closer[.] t seemed as {Insert: if} the black was forming together to make a figure[.] [W]hen it reached me, it spoke in a dark gentle voice, "How's your jog going friend?"

[One paragraph per speaker] And for some deranged {Insert:reason} answer, i[sic] had the nerve to answer{Insert: ,} "G-G-Good".

[One paragraph per speaker]Which {H}e replied "I'm glad you're having a fun jog".

[One paragraph per speaker] Which then I[sic] {Insert: then} said back{Insert: ,} "This is just a dream".

[One paragraph per speaker]Which {H}e replied "Oh, this isn't a dream buddy, it isn't a dream".

The most common error that I noticed was you did not capitalize "I". "I" is a what is called a proper noun. A proper noun is a specific person, place, or thing. It should always be capitalized.

I'm not a grammarian by any means. Heck, a grammarian could have a field-day with some of the pieces I've written. I just hope I was helpful!

On a side note, I'm not sure how some of this got italicized. Forgive me, I'm still getting used to the site.


« Last Edit: 05:54:42 PM 11/15/15 by G. Preeb »
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Pipedream

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« Reply #4 on: 07:18:59 PM 11/15/15 »
I'm not one for destroying someone's attempt at writing like this.  Sure, if I was an English teacher I would directly point out the grammar and spelling mistakes, but I would never go so far as to break it apart and reorganize it the way I would want it to look. It's not my story and I would never say "You need to fix this about your writing" or "I was rather say this". It's not mine. I would maybe ask a writer to look over a sentence or a section again with some imparted knowledge in mind.  New writers shouldn't be told what to write and how to write it. What they should be told is ways to improve their writing for the future. Give them some advice on thinking into the text a little deeper than what they give on the surface. Writing is about having the freedom to say what you want and say it the way you want.

I don't wanna see these forums discourage writers with other people's wants and desires. I wanna see writers giving each other advice on what needs to be worked on, how to say what they want to say and how to develop as writers.

This isn't 8th grade English. This is a community of writers. We work together and help each other, not break apart their work.
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« Reply #5 on: 09:33:17 PM 11/15/15 »
I think that's what the author wants when they post work in the critique area. The author is basically saying "Hey, tell me what you think!" and is then opened to any type of criticism. Now, I don't think G. Preeb is out of line or anything, I think he/she is just giving an honest opinion about the work being shown. There's a difference between criticizing the content and criticizing the person, and in this case he never says "You are a shitty author!"     

In fact he even says, "Don't let it discourage you, the only way to get better is to have someone point out the flaws.", he's not trying to be mean. He's trying to be as honest as possible so that the author can become a better writer. And that's what the author wants anyway.   
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Pipedream

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« Reply #6 on: 10:42:43 AM 11/16/15 »
Oh, I'm sure he only meant the best from it. I'm not saying it was a citicism of him, but I just don't think it was nescisary to go that far with it. 

Learning skills to improve your writing it great! Being told how to do it is not.
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