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Riddles

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Letrune

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« on: 04:45:16 AM 02/12/18 »
My grandparents had left a small house on me, and i found these weird poems on the sides of a book my grandparents kept in a locked cabinet. I tried my best to transcribe the contents.

In dark nights i wander on old roads,
Search on the roofs and dance with the moons,
I had seen evil and good among the same people,
How a choice changes their very souls.
They never saw me. They never thought of me.
Can you guess what am i?

He saw the man grow and fall. He made and torn down, he freed and slaved. When he got better, he grew worse. Who he may be?

In your dreams you see new worlds and open up yourself. You never felt so free, but then you go back. I miss you my friend
(missing part)sole love.

I was trying to find out the meaning behind these. The handwriting does not match my grandparents'.

With a heavy heart and clouded mind,
Bellepheron had rode out,
With a beaming smile so kind,
Europe waited on.

The dance of his enticed me. Oh such musculature!
It made me try and understand him, the drinker of the black gold,
Who had shown me a new world. What was his name?


Poems and riddles march on the sides of the old tome, papers slid between pages. I want to know who made these.

Slithering, slimy groaning bloodless thing.
Made of ash and wooden splinters.
Belches smoke and tries to choke me,
Yet, you eat him when you falter.


It all shakes my insides with anticipation.

Ah Hades, why you took me? I want to see the sunlight again.
You know he will weep for me please reconsider (this one ends on the bottom of a page)

Wall-builder, wild-tamer, god-slayer, man-maker, lover, hater, worker, ruler, man, king, god, divine. His name?


I get answers to non-existent questions. I feel like I should add some more...

Living in mystery, on the side of a world
Between man and beast,
Never have had a good rest
Between dawn and dusk,
Had been nowhere yet seen all,
Yearning after their love.
What am I?
« Last Edit: 04:48:28 AM 02/12/18 by Letrune »

G. Preeb

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« Reply #1 on: Yesterday at 12:00:48 AM »
I'm not one that's gets into horror poetry so much. In my experience a horror poem usually consists of the writer laying down a painfully obvious rhyming scheme which all leads to the murder of his or her own parents. It doesn't seem like you went this route, so that's a plus in my book.

Please keep in mind that what I think of your work is being said without malice. Sometimes intent and mood gets misinterpreted in text.

As for the poem itself, I found it difficult to get into. I think what really holds it down is an excessive amount of riddle. I expected there be a riddle, I mean, it's in the title :)

What I think makes a good story, and a good poem, is a riddle stated at the beginning and subtle clues along the way to help me the reader piece it all together. The picture dosen't have to be complete by the end either. I could fill in the gaps with my own imagination.

What I think is lacking is story and key words to help spark imagination. I want to get lost in this world. I want to explore this world. I want to know how this world will affect me.

I don't claim to a poetry expert, but I were to write something, I would write it like this.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

In an old night of a younger day,
there I heard the soft coo beneath the stars.
Whispering to me through twisting wood,
and calling me to in damp air.

Was it real?
Or was it just a voice from within?
Soft as velvet and mournful as violet?
No, I do not speak to myself in feminine tones.

Who is she—why does she call to me?
I must follow to know.


_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
I just made that up in free verse. Keep in mind that this is only my preference. I like story, I like feeling, and I like seeing. I would like to be placed somewhere and explore the world beyond. I like an element of mystery to be clear and present so I have the want to find out more.

Again, these are only my preferences. You do as you like.

The only other main issue I have is formatting. You made the effort to italicize the poem, but I really think it could benefit from page breaks between the poem and the commentary. Also, I thought the commentary wasn't needed in some places. It felt like just when I was starting to get into it, I was suddenly pulled away and left confused. Like, "Oh okay, this is commentary now."

Just my two cents. Only polite criticism intended.
I don't know much, but I know just enough to be dangerous.

Letrune

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« Reply #2 on: Yesterday at 02:27:19 AM »
Thank you! I am always thinking that people here work with constructive criticism, so it is fine. :3
I confess i had no real idea where this will end, I just started and had a sort of metariddle in my mind. Guess I failed to get it across. :/ However, the poems were meant to be antiquated and kind of weird. They are written on a margin, so spacing is not the best.

Formatting tips are welcome - I never tried isuch ever, so I guess i could redo in the way you shown. :3 i just had this dream where i found an old book and got curious to find more poems and riddles on the margins.
You think it would benefit from a total rewrite? Like, removal of commentary and more shorts in it, little addons by the narrator here and there on their own idea on making a few themselves?
« Last Edit: Yesterday at 02:29:59 AM by Letrune »