A/N: I wrote this based on a prompt Slimebeast gave in a Fearfic episode for a subversion of a rules pasta.

Hello [if <Family> =/= 0: <Billing Last Name> Family; else <Billing First Name> <Billing Last Name>]!
I hope you had a good <Travel Type> from <Billing Address>! While I do not want to put a damper on your day, there are some rules here at the Abbe’ for anyone staying and your cooperation is appreciated.

• You may or may not find a locked door somewhere on the first floor; that leads to the basement. You aren’t allowed down there anyway, it’s where I keep my personal possessions while renting out the house, so just leave it alone.
• You may hear creaks, screams, scratching, whispers, rattles, and/or moans coming from the walls, that is just the house resettling.
• If you see an old man staring at you unblinkingly from the sidewalk, don’t worry, that’s just Carl from the half-way house a few streets over. Lost both his eyes in the war but still makes a mean gumbo.
• If you find a set of stairs leading up into the darkness, feel free to go up. The attic is probably a bit dusty due to me misplacing the stairs, but it has a great view of the neighborhood!
• If a dark green 2003 Toyota Camry is in the driveway of the house across the street, please remove any hearing aids; I am not responsible for any ear or hearing damage caused by a failure to follow this rule.
• You can use literally any food you find in the kitchen. Some of it is mine, some of it is from previous tenants, and some of it is just there. It’s all perfectly safe, though please check expiration dates.
  
  • On a related note, if you are a fan of full-bodied red wines with metallic aftertastes, please drink the bottle in the panty. Non-vegetarian wine was a great joke gift when I first got it, but it's been over a year and it is just taking up space.
• I’d appreciate it is you refrained from sexual activity in the house; if you do engage in such acts, please thoroughly clean all nearby surfaces, furnitutre, sheets, etc.
• If you see a suspicious person following you with a camera, don’t be afraid to say hi. That’s George from across the street. He’s some kind of vlogger who never stops filming.
• If you see an old man staring at you unblinkingly from the sidewalk, don’t worry, that’s just Carl from the half-way house at the end of the block. Lost both his eyes in the war but still makes a mean gumbo.
• If you are awoken by banging or scratching at your bedroom door or window in the middle of the night, just try to go back to sleep. You can also yell for it to stop, but that isn’t guaranteed to work.
• Between 12:34am and 1:26am, there is a man in a black robe and a leather mask who stands ominously on the corner of 5th and Markshaven (you’ll see him if you look out the dining room window). Go over to him and get some of the best soft serve you will ever have. There is a customer loyalty card pinned to the noticeboard by the front door and I had better see some new stamps on it by the time you leave.
• The bathroom floor is very slippery, please use the bathmats to minimize tripping hazards.
• Due to annoyingly persistent telemarketing, do not answer any phone between the hours of 10pm and 3am,. I personally recommend turning off all phones between said times. This warning is [if <Family> =/= 0 && <# of Tenants> > 2: <# of Tenants> “times”; else “twice”] as important for families staying here.
  
  • If you wake up in the morning and find evidence of long-term cohabitation with an unknown person or persons; please first check if $50,000 or more was anonymously transferred to your bank account at around the time of 12am - 4am. If such a transfer has been made, leave any additional items in the closet across from the laundry room so I can drop them off at Goodwill; otherwise, please call the police about a possible home invasion.
• If you think you see a menacing humanoid shape standing outside a window, feel free to close the blinds.
• The house across the street tends to catch fire once every few months. Call the fire department if you want, but there is no need to panic.
• If you see an old man staring at you unblinkingly from the sidewalk, don’t worry, that’s just Carl from the half-way house next door. Lost both his eyes in the war but still makes a mean gumbo.
• If any faucets start running on their own, please turn them off as soon as possible. If blood is coming out of the faucet instead of water, please clean up any splatters.
  
  • If you did not actually read the rental agreement before signing, then I am sad to inform you that you are already held liable for any water damage from flooded sinks, tubs, showers, toilets, and any other water fixture as well as any stains that may occur due to failure to properly clean them.
• There are some coyotes living in the ravine just past the backyard. If you see one, please do not approach. Jimmy from a few houses down has been feeding them his leftovers and they will bite if you get too close.
• I have several electronic picture frames, so please do not panic if you see that a picture has changed or moved places. The same goes for the paintings.
  
  • If any of the portraits change places, please return them to their original position.
  • If you find any close up pictures of you sleeping, that is likely just the security cameras malfunctioning again.
• Any suspicious figures loitering outside wearing hooded clothing and/or a mask are to be politely reminded that this is private property and informed that this is 83 Markshaven Drive, they are always looking for 82 across the street.
• If you see an old man staring at you unblinkingly from the sidewalk, don’t worry, that’s just Carl, your roommate. Lost both his eyes in the war but still makes a mean gumbo.
• I have a cat, his name is FrogFrog. He is very shy and likes to stay in the basement; however he will occasionally scratch up a door, tear up furniture or clothes, or leave dead doves nailed to the front door. When he gets nervous, irritable, or bored, he tends to loudly screech and howl directly into the ventilation system.
  
  • Don’t worry about feeding FrogFrog. In fact, don’t even try to feed FrogFrog, he has plenty of food in the basement and he is never going to trust you. He may steal your food while you are not looking.
  • If you find a cat in the house, check for a collar or call animal control, because that is not FrogFrog.
• When you leave, please dispose of any perishables you have brought with you, purchased, or created in the appropriate composting bins.
• If you see a faceless man in a business suit and no face, just ignore him. He won’t cause you any direct trouble and is too persistent to keep off the property.
  If the driveway across the street is empty, let him know and he will be gone literally before you know it.
• I have someone who comes in to clean and sanitize the house after each tenant, but that is no excuse for leaving any messes.
• Yes, there is a great horned owl nest right outside the master bedroom window; no, they don’t care if you are trying to sleep.

   I know it seems like there are a lot of rules, but they are there primarily for your safety and comfort, as well as thoe of future tenants. Enjoy your stay!