Author Topic: Trick or treat contest entry  (Read 963 times)

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on: 11:27:29 AM 11/03/17
I wish to know what I could have done better. It could help my further writing, so, please be helpful and I hope you will enjoy it. :3

Good treats: Mental Abuse, Mask(s), Stabbing, and Lucifer
"Meh" snacks: Outer Space, Music, and Wheelchair
Gross candy!: A Pie Fight, edible underwear

An entry from Letrune

“Mind if I smoke?” Uthar asked as he sat down at the table. I shook my head absentmindedly as he lit the cigarette and peeked over the monitoring equipment.
“What is going on with our little research?”
“13 is busy trying to make a mask for herself. Why she picked a man’s face, I don’t know.”
“Wants to be one?”
“No. She is content as she is… At least at home. Thought patterns all nominal.”
Uthar smothered the cig on the ashtray and flicked his monitors on. Some minutes passed, while I could see 13 get on her special wheelchair. The boys from Mechanics made a great job to make one befitting a standard to 13’s unique predicament… I remember what High Command wrote.
“Experiment 13 was stabbed two times in the left rear. Braces could suffice, yet you made a specialized wheelchair. Please explain in clear word what demands this usage of resources.
Note: we won’t accept “she likes it better”. The boys on Nexus 24A had already used it in this quarter and produced an alloy more useless than edible underwear. Despite all our technology, we do not have actual infinite resources.”
We replied with a bio-psychological response of the locals and how the braces restricted her actual movements.

So, she got on the thing we call wheelchair - two frames around the legs, padded on the inside, with the wheels being three metal balls for maximized movement potential. She only needed one but the two made her able to strafe if required. She seemed busy checking herself in the mirror and trying on the mask.
“Why the mask?” Uthar asked. “Did i missed something?”
“Some local tradition. They go around their area and ask for some kind of a pie, made from whatever they eat.”
“13 wants to go native.”
“Kind of.”
Some silence as we seen her leave the quarters and go into the late afternoon. One of the suns were on the low equatorial cycle, while the other one was setting.
“Reminds me of that Fifth Worlder tradition I read of.” I said, only to make conversation while we followed 13 via the cameras and security drones. “That is about… Uh… I am sure I say it wrong. Lux Iferis, the Lightbringer. People left some incense offering on an altar, and that became some sort of a party later, where people grab an electric torch and walk around the unlit areas. I only remember that it is often combined with a treasure hunt for the kids.”
“I got no idea of my own World’s cultural heritage, let alone other’s.” Uthar muttered. “Coffee? You seem to be on a vigil.”
“I’m good. She stops anywhere?”
“Not as i see. Can we get audio transcripts?”
I kicked myself to the other side of the room and grabbed the coiling transcript tape.
“Let’s see… Oh.” Uthar hummed in a questioning tone. “They tell her to get lost in various ways.”
“Should I send a secdrone?”
“No, it is all verbal so far. They seem to talk down on her and her outer space friend.”
“The f--”
“No, not our drones. The night time singing one.”
“...The fact that she sings is a problem now? These shri-- locals all communicate with singing and membrane colourization!”
“She is closer to us than to them. That is enough.”
Silence. Uthar broke it after a while.
“So… She stopped somewhere. Locals do something.”
“They call her to their doorstep but say she can not step on.”
We looked on the monitors, seeing how she started to balance on her wheels. Her spine was in an uncomfortable angle, but she managed to balance herself and roll to the doorstep.
“Clever girl.” Uthar said and lit another cigarette. “Well, she got a pie! Seems pr-”
We sat in a sudden silence as they slammed the pie in 13’s face. Something like a laugh wanted to start in me, but they slammed more and more pies in her face and threw some on her. Uthar grabbed the translator’s transcript.
“They call this a music of joy?  Tricking her into some stupid task and---”
He stopped and we seen her stumbling away, mask left behind.
“Are we authorized to command secdrones in non-physical abuse?” I said, somehow containing the anger.
“Sadly, we are not… But I will file a report.”

13 ran home, closed the door and slumped down. For a few moments, she seemed very human, despite the biological differences.  She mewled her song towards the “Outer Space Friend”, stumbling across words and trailing off.
“Well… Uthar, I get Command. You do your stuff.”
“One divine intervention coming up.” he said, moving to the soundproofed booth. I sent the data to Command and listened in on the situation… Well, more like read the translation. Uthar had used his Third Worlder accent very well, even if he had to produce a singing groan and chimes with his voice. He assured 13 that “it” had still cared for her and that pain strengthens the will. “It” was listening and knew all, and as such, got her a compensation ready. All she had to do was to remain in her room and not to look out, no matter what.
All she knew was that she suddenly got a divine voice speak into her ears, both literally and figuratively. We did it often, to reassure her, make her feel better, or just to make her care for herself.
Only once we had to punish her, when she tried to chew off her hurt leg. After a dosage of painkillers, she still tried, so Uthar shouted in her ear. She seemed to be afraid of “it’s” anger, so never did anything we told her not to do.

Uthar walked out.
“Well, the Great and Powerful wizard did it once again.” I said, and he smiled.
“You should get some proper sleep. Caffeine and meds make you awake but you will be older.”
“That is not true.”
“Crankier, then. Besides, who heard of an outer space voice in the medbay?”
“And who heard of an outer space voice with a chain smoking problem?”
“I can’t argue with that… Say. Can we try to include that… Lux Iferis at some time. I am thinking a ball of light.”
“Gustavus at Engineering could make something.”

Silence again, minutes pass as we see 13 dress down and slump on the bed, humming the tune for her only friend.
“Think she could accept that the divine voice is actually a few socio-cultural scientists?” I asked.
“You are too tired.” Uthar replied with a playful tone. “I think none could fathom how different we run things. Might break them more than anything.”
“At times, I wonder… Are we doing any good? These locals were at each others’ throat and our machines stopped them from killing each other. Two sapient species on one planet… And we force them to accept each other.”
Uthar looked on me and sighed.
“Just get some sleep already. You are dozing off between your words.”
I got up and walked to the sleeping room. We exchanged our goodnights and I could see Mevlak, my night-time operator, jumping up from her cot.
“I thought you do a double shift and they pay me to be bored…” she giggles and patted me on my shoulder. “You should take care of yourself, all right?”
“Nah, I thought I will take your job too. Imagine, twice the reports!”
We laughed as Mevlak went to the observation area and I laid down. Music started from the other direction - someone else might have got bored too. I plugged my phones in to listen to my tunes and slowly drifted to sleep. One thought came to me, washing off the feelings of the day: It is not easy being gods.


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on: 03:36:51 PM 11/04/17
Admittedly, with the way quotation marks are used I’m a tad confused who is talking. But still, I think is this from the perspective of experiments, which is an interesting notion.


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on: 05:34:58 PM 11/05/17
What would be a proper way to use them?


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on: 12:40:13 PM 12/11/17
Yeah, you might want to look up the rules for formatting dialogue. The way it's laid out does make it quite difficult to keep track of who is talking when. Maybe add in a few descriptors of how the characters are talking so we can get an idea of how they feel about what they are saying, it also reminds you who is talking...