Author Topic: Hitler.exe (April Fools Special)  (Read 3524 times)

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Skill Flea

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on: 05:09:12 PM 04/01/16
I'm a total Adolf Hitler fan much like everyone else, I like the newer dictators, but I don't mind the classics. I don't think I've ever seen glitchy or hacked dictators before, though I don't think I want to see any after the experience I had...

HitLEr in his final form!
It started on a nice summer afternoon, I was playing Hitler Unleashed (I liked how you get to explore Nazi Germany in it) until I noticed, out of my peripheral vision, that the mailman had arrived and put something in my mailbox as usual and left. I paused my game to go see what I got in the mail... The only thing in the Mailbox was a CD case for computers and a note. I took it inside.

I looked at the note first and realized it was from my dear friend Stalin (Let's just call him that), whom I hadn't heard from in 200,000,000 seconds. I know that because I recognized his handwriting, though what was weird is how it smelled; it looked how the colour blue tastes, badly written and scratchy and somewhat difficult to fap to, as if Stalin was having a hard time writing it down whilst Gaddafi hits him on the head with a trout and did it in a hurry.

This is what he wroted...


I can't take it anymore, I had to get rid of this thing somehow before it was too late, and I was hoping you'd do it for me. I can't do it, he’s after me, and if you don't destroy this CD, he'll come after you too, he's too fast for me....

Please Toph, destroy this Azula-forsaken disc before he comes after you too, it's too late for meh.

Destroy the disc, and you'll destroy him, but do it quick otherwise he'll catch you. Don't even play the game, it's what he wants, just destroy it.



Well, that was certainly weird. Even though Stalin IS my best friend and I haven't seen him in 20 seconds, I didn't do what he asked him. I didn't think that a simple gaming disc would do anything bad to him, after all it's just a game right? Girl, was I wrong about that...

ANY wAy, I looked at the disc and it looks like any ordinary computer CD-R floppy disc, except it had black marker on it written "HitLEr .exe", and it was much unlike Stalin or Gaddafi's handwriting, meaning that he must've gotten it from someone else, like a porn shop or eBay. When I saw "HitLEr" on the writing of the CD, I was actually aroused and wanted to play it, since I'm a a a a a a a a a BIG Hitler fan.

I went up to my room and turned on my book and put the disc in and installed the game. When the title screen popped up I noticed that it was the first Hitler game, I was like "Awesome!" Because like I said earlier I liked the classics, yet I didn’t have the first game? This story makes no sense! Then again I’m a 12 year old blind girl! How the fuck can I even see all of this?! Anyways teh first thing I noticed that was out of out place was when I pressed start, there's was a split second when I saw the title image turned into something much different, something that I now consider Totally and utterly sexy beyond any form of comprehension, seriously, imagine the sexiest thing you’ve ever saw, I can guarantee that this was 10,001 times sexier than that, before cutting to turquoise.

I remember what the image looked like in that split second before the game cut to turquoise; The sky had darkened then brightened then darkened again but not quite as much as before, the title swastika was cum-soaked and upside down, the FEGEL 1941 was now instead FEGEL 69, and the water had turned white, like semen, except it looked super-ultra-mega-hyper-realistic.

But the sexiest thing that was in that split second frame was Hitler, his eyes were pitch turquoise and bleeding with two glowing pink dots staring RIGHT IN MEH, and his moustache had stretched wider up to the edge of his face. I was rather intoxicated about that image when I saw it, though I figured that it was just a troll and remembered about it. After it cut to turquoise it stayed like that for about 10 years or so. And then another weird thing happened, the save file select from Hitler the Hitler 3 popped up, and I was like "WTF? ZOMG!!!!111!111 What's this doing in the first Hitler game?", anyway, then I notice something off, the background was the dark cloudy sky of the Bad North Korea level from Hitler CD, and there were only three save files. The music was that creepy Lavender Town music from Pokémon. Only it was extended and seemed to have been in reverse, this creepypasta has every cliché in the book, so why not? And the image for the save file where you see a preview of the level you're on is just Technicolor static for all three files.

What freaked me out more was the character select, it showed only Joseph Goebbels, Hermann Fegelein and to my surprise, Kim Jong Un! Now I was sure that something was up, I mean, how can you play as Kim Jong Un in a classic Hitler game, for crying out loud?

That's when I realized that this wasn't just a sexy game, it was the sexiest game alive.

Yeah it definitely looked sexy, it was really creepy, but as a smart, retard gamer, I wasn't scared (or at least I tried to be), I told myself that it was just a sexy game and there's nothing wrong with that. Anyways, shaking off the creeped out feeling I picked File 1 and chose Goebbels and when I selected and got started. The game froze for about 500,000 centuries and I heard a creepy pixelated laugh that sounded an awful lot like that Ozai guy from “Firelord Ozai Adventure 2012: Rape Fantasy Xtream Cream feat. Azula, Ty Lee and Mai”, before cutting to every colour in the universe at the same time.

The screen stayed transparent for about 10 nanoseconds or more, then it showed the typical level title thing, except the simplistic shapes were 50 shades of grey and the text showed only "HEIL, ACT 1". The screen faded in and the level title vanished revealing Goebbels in the Green Heil Zone from Hitler 1, the music was different though, it sounded like a peaceful melody in reverse. Anyway I started playing and had Goebbels start running like you would in any of the classic Hitler games, what was odd was that as Goebbels was running along the level there was no ground and a few seals for 5 minutes, Goebbels was breaking the laws of physics! That was when the peaceful music started to lower down into slow deep tones very slowly as I kept going.

I suddenly saw something and I stopped to see what it was; it was one of the Nazi soldiers lying dead on the ground bleeding (That was when the music started to slow down), Goebbels had a shocked and saddened look on his face that I never saw him have before, so I had him move along, and he kept that worried look on his face. As he kept moving I saw more dead Nazis as Goebbels moved past them looking more and more worried as the music lowers and he moves past more dead Nazis, I was shocked to see how they all died, they looked like somebody killed them in rather sexy ways; a soldier was hanged on a tree with what appeared to be his balls hanging out, one had all four of his limbs torn off and shoved up his anus and worst of all one soldier had his clothes taken off and put back on inside-out. I felt sick to my stomach when I saw this massacre and apparently so did Goebbels. After a few more seconds there were no more Nazis and the music seemed to have stopped, I still kept Goebbels to continue, ‘cause fuck him.

After a minute passed after the music stopped, Goebbels was running up a wall that wasn’t there and looked hyper-realistic and then he stopped, it wasn't until I saw why; Hitler was there on the other side of the screen with his back against Goebbels with his eyes closed. Goebbels looked happy to see Hitler but then his smile faltered, obviously noticing that Hitler wasn't responding to him, if not acting as if he was totally oblivious of Goebbels' presence. Goebbels walked slowly toward Hitler, and I noticed that I wasn't even moving my pencil to make him move, so this had to have been a cut scene.

Suddenly I began to have a growing feel of being back in tha hood as Goebbels walked closer to Hitler to get his attention, I felt that Goebbels was in danger (of rape) and something bad was going to happen. I heard faint static growing louder as Goebbels was but inches away from Slender— I mean Hitler and stopped and stuck his hand out to touch him. That foreboding feeling in my gut was growing stronger and I felt the urge to tell Goebbels to get away from Hitler as the static grew louder.

Suddenly in a split second I saw Hitler's eyes open and they were turquoise with those pink glowing dots, just like that title image, thought there wasn't a smile. When that happened the screen turned pink and the static sound was off.

It stayed pink for about 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 seconds and then white text appeared forming a message, saying, "Hello. Do you want to have sex with me?"

At this point I was creeped out, I didn't want to continue with the game, but my curiosity got the better of me when I was taken to a different level with the level title now saying "HidE aNd rApE".

This time I was in the Asshole Island level from Hitler 3: Erotic Edition and it looked like everything was on LSD.

Goebbels looked as though he was scared out of his tits this time. He actually looked at me and made frantic gestures to me as if he wanted to gtfo of the area he was in as slowly as impossible. I was starting to get freaked out by this...I mean Goebbels was actually breaking the three-dimensional rift, trying to tell me to give him tits or gtfo of there.

So I pressed down on the arrow (Aang) key as hard as I could and made him run as with the swiftest slowness that he could, a pixelated version of that creepy theme when you meet Azula at the Strip-Club as Kim Jong Un from HA2 was playing as I made Hitler trek through the desolate forest of anuses raining shit everywhere, trying to help him escape from whatever he was trying to run from.

Suddenly I heard that creepy noise again... that awful, cereal noise... like Rice Crispies after you pour in the milk, right after 1 seconds have passed as I helped Goebbels run through the forest, and then I started seeing flashes of Hitler popping everywhere on the screen, again with those turquoise and pink eyes, whilst screaming a pixelated “FEGELEIN!”.

The music changed to that Ludacris’ “Move Bitch” as I see Hitler behind Goebbels slowly gaining up on him FLYING; Hitler wasn't running, he was actually FLYING! The flying pose his sprite was making looked very similar to Rubber Hitler's flying pose in Hitler CD, except it was just Hitler and he had the turquoise and pink eyes again, only

THIS time he had the most aroused looking grin on his face, he looked as though he was enjoying the torment he was giving the poor little Minster of Propaganda as he gained up on him.

Suddenly when Goebbels tripped (another cut scene) the music stopped and Hitler vanished. Goebbels laid there and started crying for 15,000 weeks. The scene was rather upsetting to watch and I kind of teared up myself, I was so upset that I nearly cut my wrists and contemplated suicide, poor poor 16 bit Goebbels why!? Why!? What kind of cruel world do we live in!? Everything is just awful! I can’t go on! I can’t! it’s too much! The pain! Oh the pain! Oh woe is me! Toph then became an emo and developed a heroin addiction. But then Hitler appeared right in front of Goebbels and Goebbels smiled in horror.

Fanta started to come down those turquoisened eyes of Hitler's as a pedo-grin slowly grew from his face as he looked down at the horrified Minister of Propaganda, I could do nothing but watch and fap.

Just in a split second Hitler lunged at Goebbels right before the screen went pink and sexy music played, there was a loud screeching noise that only lasted 5 nanoseconds. The text returned only this time it said "You're too sexy, want to try again?" and then that god-awful Ozai laugh and the cereal noise came with it.

I was so shocked by what had happened...did Hitler rape Goebbels? No, he couldn't have... He looks like Skeletor, right? Why did Hitler do that to him?

I shook the shock off as I was brought back to the character select, the save file that had Goebbels was different; Goebbels was no longer in the box itself but in the TV screen itself, which was flickering with that multi-colour static, Goebbels' expression scared me and I committed suicide but was brought back by the Dragon Balls to continue this game and this god-awful story, his eyes were blue and filled with peanuts, his yellow uniform was now a cum-stained white and he had an expression of drunkenness on his face, which I’m surprised I could make out considering it was in 16 bit and the small fact that I’m fucking BLIND! Trying to ignore it I picked Fegelein next.

The laugh came again and the screen cut to orange again and stayed there for another 10 nanoseconds, this time the level said "FEGELEIN!! FEGELEIN! FEGELEIN!”

I was really freaked out by now, I couldn't really tell if this was a porno, or a hentai, or some kind of creepypasta game... or anything really. But despite my fear of what happened next, I kept playing, ‘cause I’m a dumbass and a masochist.

The next level looked much different, it had the ground of the Crap Brian Zone, but the sky background looked like the main menu; it had the dark yellowish cloudy sky. But it was the music that creeped me out the most: It sounded like PSY’s theme right after you beat Yolo McSwaggin in Metallica vs. Bieber 3013. I also noticed that Fegelein looked aroused just like Goebbels did, though not as much, more rather he looked a little turned on, he was obviously a harder man to please than Goebbels. He broke the three-dimensional rift just like Goebbels and looked as if he wasn't sure about going on, but I made him move anyway, ‘cause fuck him.

I feel like I’ve been here before, have I been here before?

He ran down the bent, straight pathway in this colourful, monochrome level, and as he did the screen started to flicker magenta static a couple times and then that maddening fart from Hitler and The Fart Fuhrer came again, even though this is the first time I’ve mentioned it.

Then after a few seconds of running I notice several jizz stains on the metallic ground, I felt a growing sense of fear and arousal again thinking something horribly sexy is going to happen to me and Fegelein. He looked nauseated walking down this jizz-stained road, but I still kept him going, ‘cause fuck him.

Okay, I am having the weirdest case of deja vu right now.

Suddenly as Fegelein ran, Hitler appeared right in front of him with those turquoise and pink eyes and then multi-coloured static appeared again, when the static vanished showing nothing but brown screen with text saying "SOrRy aBOuT tHiS, bUT mY CaPS LoCK kEY iS BuStED sO I wON’T Be tYpiNG OuT aNy ThREAtiNING mEsSAgeS UntiLL thE pROblEM iS FixED aS yOu ProBABly wON’t taKE Me sErioUSLY iF I tYPE iN tHis riDICuLOuS FaSioN", I was now scared shitless, what if the caps lock key on my computer breaks and forces me to type out the rest of this story like that, also, Hitler found Fegelein already?! WTF was going on?!

Anyway brown static came again and then I was back to the level, Fegelein looked like he was panicking, and Hitler was nowhere to be found. And this time that high-pitched squealing from the Himmler Hill 1's final boss (The Himm-dawg) was playing.

Was this some kind of boss battle with Hitler? I hoped to God it was, honestly.

Suddenly Hitler appeared right behind Fegelein in what appeared to be a pixelated black man’s cock, I made Fegelein turn and then punch Hitler (and the cock), but Hitler vanished in black pixelated jizz before I could even land a hit, that terrible cereal noise went off again. Then Hitler appeared behind Fegelein again and then I made him punch again, and Hitler vanished again laughing. Fegelein was panicking even more, and even I felt like I was going crazy, Hitler was committing antics on Fegelein, the most legendary antic master of them all, he was playing a sick twisted little antic on me and Fegelein...

Another cut scene played as Fegelein fell to his knees and clutched his head sobbing, I felt his agony and cut my wrists, Hitler was actually trolling us BOTH.

And then in a split second Hitler lunged at Fegelein and the screen went pink with more erotic music that lasted for at least 1 second.

Another text message appeared, "So many bitches to rape with, so little time... would you agree? This is a rhetorical question btw I’m just testing to see if my caps lock button is working now."

What the hell... Just what is going on? I started to think Hitler was actually trying to talk to me into rape... But I was too scared to think that even though I just stated that I started to think that, okay, you know what? I’m going to try and stop pointing out all the flaws in this shitty story; it’ll be over much faster that way.

I was brought back to the main menu and this time the second file box had Fegelein in the TV screen, his grey uniform had darkened to a greyish grey, his hair was dripping with Fanta and his eyes were orange and filler with Fanta too, and he had a look of sadness on his face. I began to think that those are the actual characters trapped in those TV screens on the save files, but I couldn't believe it... I didn't want to believe it...

So I shut off the game and took a break. I took a nap, I’m glad I did, 'cause I then began to have the most sexy nightmare, I was in pitch black whiteness, though I was under the light given off by a lamp that hung high above my head. I could hear the cries of Fegelein and Goebbels nearby. They were saying stuff like, "Help us..." and "Why did you give us to him?" and "Run away, before he rapes you too..."

Their cries died out as I then heard Hitler laugh, his laugh... it sounded a lot like the distorted Ozai laugh.

"You're a lot fun to rape kid, just like your friend Stalin, though he didn't last long..."

I was scared and looking around for the sauce of the voice...

"Won't be long now until you join him and all my other friends..."

I saw him walking toward me, flickering in and out in several directions...

"You can't run, kid. You're in my fanfic now. Just like the others..."

When he grabbed me and I saw his Cola-filled turquoise and pink-eyed, grinning face, I woke up with a fright and a felt wet.

After a couple of hours I decided to continue playing the game. I don’t know why, well actually I do, it’s because I’m stupid and a masochist, but I had to know, I had to figure out why this was happening... So I turned on the computer, turned on the game and selected Kim Jong Un next.

I still thought that was wacky, playing as Kim Jong Un, but anyway the level title appeared again and this time it said "...rape?", which I honestly didn’t find particularly surprising considering everything else in this game has been about rape.

This time I was in some kind of Segway, didn't really look like it was from any of the classic Hitler games, though it has the pixelated style; the floor was shiny and checkered, the walls were a dark greyish purple with animated vibrators and a few dark jizz stains here and there, and there was a dark white curtain hanging above on the top part of the screen. Every 12 seconds or so that purple curtain sways very slowly, but whenever you're playing the game you can barely see it move, so it’s pointless that I’m even mentioning it. The music was oddly pleasant, a piano playing a rather sad yet peaceful song, but I knew better, this was the song that played in Heil act 1, only it wasn't in reverse.

Kim Jong Un didn't look entirely nervous like Goebbels and Fegelein did, but he did have a suspicious look on his face as if he was just a bit paranoid. He did a little animation when I just left him standing, he turns his head to the left and then to the right at least twice and then shrugs at me, as if he has no idea where he was or what was going on, I don’t blame him really I don’t know what the fuck’s going on either. Even though I was scared outta my mind about what was going to happen, I had Kim Jong Un continue onward ‘cause fuck me. He did his usual running animation (You know, when you've beaten him at the end of a classic Hitler game and you chase him) as we continued going through the hallway.

Then I stop at a long flight of scrotums leading upward, now I was aroused, even Kim Jong Un seemed turned on, though I pressed onward ‘cause fuck me, him and everyone who’s reading this shit.

As I led Kim Jong Un up the down the scrotums, I noticed that the walls have gotten darker and more pinkish; the blue vibrators are now an eerie blue. Then we landed onto another Segway, this one was longer than the last one (or at least it felt like it) and then we headed up another flight of testicles down, this one was much longer, took at least 1 full second.

And then I heard that horrid Ozai cereal noise again and then the music slowly faded until it was quiet, as it did the walls turned more dark white and the vibrators were switched off now.

When Kim Jong Un landed onto the 3rd hallway, I noticed he now looked really turned on, though he tried to hide it, I couldn't blame him, I was turned on too.

Suddenly, Hitler popped right in front of Kim Jong Un the same way he did Fegelein and then bluish reddish pinkish purplish yellowish brownish whitish greyish static. The bluish reddish pinkish purplish yellowish brownish whitish greyish static lasted for about 1.5 second and then it showed me a most sexually explicit image...

The image showed a hypo-realistic of Hitler in a bikini and when I say hypo-realistic, I mean like he looked so unreal it looked like it was drawn on MS paint by a 12 year old blind girl.

His face...oh god, he had the most horrifying moustache I had ever seen.

And that's saying something considering I saw dat image at the start of the game.

His eyes are wide and turuoise and once again crying coke (Which also looked hypo-realistic) and there were two small glowing pink dots in those turquoise eyes staring RIGHT IN ME, as if undressing me with his mind. His grin was wide and demonic, it literally stretched to the sides of his face like a thing that has a smile that stretches to the sides of its face except Hitler had fangs, VERY SHARP fangs, much like the Toffee Crunch Vampire's teeth except more vicious-looking, somewhat yellowish and from the look of it, he had stains of coke and small bits of mentos on his lips and fangs as if he tried the coke and mentos challenge and failed epically, I felt as if he was going to turn me into toffee crunch with his toffee crunch lasers that shot from his eyes, like he did to all of his victims, it turned me on.

I stared at that sexy image for a good 30 minutes, never taking my eyes off it, I felt as if he was actually undressing me with his mind and he liked what he saw... dat face, it just took 10,000 seconds for it to etch itself into my brain for good.

Then the screen flickered with bluish reddish pinkish purplish yellowish brownish whitish greyish static again 3 times, and on the 3rd time I heard the Ozai cereal laugh, except this time it sounded distorted and stuff...

It went back to the image again except this time there was the text again though it was messed up, but it was pretty much one of the most sexy things I looked at since I had this game...


It was when I read that message while looking at Hitler when it hit me, I realized right there and then.

That Hitler and Azula were one and the same, a monster, a pure evil, sadistic, all-powerful, nightmarish, demented monster and I was a masochist... and all of his victims, including Goebbels, Fegelein, Kim Jong Un and possibly Stalin and Gaddafi, are just his little sex-toys, and the game is the very gateway into his sex-dungeon of a world and the very bliss his victims are trapped in and I was to be his next sex-slave, yay me.

Suddenly in an actual, complete, no doubt about it, no year, no player’s name no coach, not named after the referee’s pet goldfish, pure unmistakable, unembellished, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom bomb, simple, complete and utter fuck, fuck, fucking split second I screamed as Hitler lunged at the screen screeching loudly with his mouth wide open to an unnatural length revealing nothing but a literally spiraling abyss of pure sex before the bluish reddish pinkish purplish yellowish brownish whitish greyish static came again, this time much louder and distorted, so loud that it hurt my eyes, I yelled and grabbed my ears as the bluish reddish pinkish purplish yellowish brownish whitish greyish static screeched for a good 7 years.

Then it stopped and showed nothing but pink screen.

As I sat there staring at the blue screen, one last text came up.

"Ready for Round 69, Toph?"

The Ozai cereal laugh, now sounding more clear as if Hitler was right behind me, played again 3 times as I looked at that text in shock and confusion.

Then I got booted back to the main menu and this time the third save file had a TV image of Kim Jong Un in the same, tormented state as Goebbels and Fegelein; Kim Jong Un's skin turned a dull pink, he now had sunglasses making him look like PSY (Gangnam Style) he had a mere blissful like expression on his face.

I looked at Goebbels, Fegelein and Kim Jong Un and I cried a bit and went through my whole emo routineagain, I pitied them for the agony they're going through, they were forever trapped within the game, forever tormented by that horrid Hitler, and always will be.

Then the computer shut itself off, I couldn't turn it back on no matter what I did.

I sat there for maybe 5 seconds, horrified by what had just happened...

Hitler is the very embodiment of BDSM, Azula, he/she tortures people who play his/her game in more ways than one and then when he/she gets bored he/she drags you into the game, literally drags you to BDSM-Hell, where he/she can play with you always, as his/her sex toy....

I can't get the game outta my computer. I think it's stuck in there, but at least I managed to turn it back on now.

After I sat there for 250 seconds I heard a voice right behind me, like a whisper...

"Try to keep this interesting for me, Toph."

I turned around to see where the voice came from, and what I saw made me scream...

Sitting on my bed... staring right at me...

... Was a Hitler plushie, smiling with bloodstains under its eyes.

I then threw the doll away and had to buy another one on eBay as the bloodstains from when I cut my wrists wouldn’t come out.
« Last Edit: 08:46:07 PM 04/04/16 by Skill Flea »
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on: 08:22:27 PM 04/01/16
88/69, best story ever.

Skill Flea

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on: 03:51:46 AM 04/02/16
88/69, best story ever.

I did NAZI that score coming...

Anne Frankly I don't care!  8)
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on: 05:55:39 AM 04/02/16
Seriously though, it is like you sat down and thought "What is the most offensive I can possibly write?"

And I must say it is an improvement on the original. A beautiful work of art.


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on: 10:25:38 PM 04/07/16

"The Canadian Crippler! CHRIS BENOIT!"

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on: 09:13:18 PM 05/19/16
0/10 it was ok but it didnt blow me  8)