Author Topic: Fleming Unit #45: Medical Malice  (Read 3062 times)

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TataSantec

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on: 02:24 PM, 11/ 6/17
(Due to many comments about my mistakes in vocabulary and language, I just wanted to let you all know this is the first story I've ever written in English, I'm brazilian and totally out of my confort zone. I tried to follow some tips and make my narrator brazilian too so I have an excuse to the weird phrases. I tried my best to write it as well as I can, but of course, english is not my first language and some things can't be translated properly from my mind to english. I guess that's all, thank you!) 



To: drjosephanderson@gmail.com
Subject: I need some help doc
From: gabriel.pereira@gmail.com

02:34 PM (10/23/2017)

So, doc, I'm here sending you this email because I’ve been having this nightmares in the past few days, which started after I opened that fucking storage unit. I’m not able to sleep at night, cause when I do, the nightmares start and go on forever. I can’t function normally anymore, during the day I fall asleep at work, and fear for my job, I can't afford to get fired. If I do, I'll have to go back to Brazil and start my life all over again... Since October 11th I have been walking around feeling much more like a zombie than a human being, it’s been 10 days already of this living hell, I can’t take this anymore! Can you prescribe me a pill or something to improve my sleep or make the nightmares go away?

  Ok, I’ll try to explain what happened, so I don’t just seem desperate for drugs. A dead body was found inside one of the units in the Fleming Storage Unit Center, and the police locked the place down. By October 11th, I was asked by a friend from college to move the stuff inside his storage, or they would be sent to auction and he would pretty much lose all his shit. He asked me because he was away traveling and I was the male friend who lived closest to the Unit Center.

  I opened up the metal door from unit 45 on October 12th, and I knew right away I would have a lot of work to do there. By what my friend had told me, his family had that unit since the 90s, and all the useless but sentimental family stuff was stored in there. I could see some old picture frames, furniture, some luggage, Christmas decoration, a black vase that caught my attention for being broken, it must have been an important vase for someone to store it broken, right? I could tell there was much more hidden stuff because the unit was kinda crowded with random objects, but I would only be able to tell things apart when I started to pull the whole thing down and actually start to move it.

  I prepared my back to start the heavy work, and began taking out the smaller, easier stuff to carry  that was right on the edge of the piles. When they were out of the way, I got to a pretty heavy bag which made metal clinging sounds when moved. It was closed with an old, pink ribbon, since the zipper was broken. I assumed it had been red some years ago, by the smell of old dust that came out of every corner of that place. Each breath was like a cry for help from my lungs.

  After that, I took out two picture frames that looked quite expensive, but had no picture inside. I even took a dumb selfie inside one of them to send to my friend and show him I was actually doing the favour he asked me. Terrible jokes aside, the work was very tiring and the objects seemed to never end. Each time I took out a big heavy bag, two or three more appeared behind it.

So far everything seemed normal for a family’s storage, until I got to a corner in the right side in the back. There was a smaller box. It seemed all moldy and wet, I believe from a leak in the unit’s corner. When I picked it up, I tried my best to support it from the bottom but it fell apart, almost disintegrating in my hands.

What fell from it was a metal box, closed with a rusty padlock that seemed useless, because the actual clasp was hanging from just one of the two screws that kept it closed. I think that happened when it hit the floor, the light rusty screw gave in and the box opened by itself.

The only thing that came out of it was a metal cylinder. Why would anyone store a simple cylinder inside such a secure box? Well, my brain answered its own stupid question by reasoning it could not be just a simple cylinder, it must be something of value, or maybe something important that was kept inside of it, duh. I didn’t have time to be wondering about hypothetical situations, so I set the cylinder aside and kept on with the work.

Hours later I had only moved like half of the stuff out of the storage unit, and most of the things were packed inside the moving truck. I had just left out the metal box and the cylinder because of my stupid curiosity. I sent my friend a picture of them, to ask if he knew what they were. He answered that he didn’t know, and that it was probably his grandfather’s. He told me I could try to open it up and see if there was something inside, and if I succeeded, to send him pictures. So I sat in the moving truck and tried to open it.

The first tries failed. I tried to unscrew the top and the bottom, since it had a round edge that looked like a cap, but nothing worked. I'm a very competitive person, so I knew I wouldn’t be able to rest until I figured out that puzzle. After a few more tries, I pushed the bottom and the top down at the same time, and it finally opened up!

Inside I found a paper yellowed by time. It was a map for Beaver Creek Park.

On the bottom of the cylinder, I saw something sparkle. It was a bracelet that had "Julie" engraved on it. I thought it looked really expensive and maybe if I followed the map I could reach some more jewelry, like a treasure map.

It does not surprise me that the first thought that came to my mind was that. I've been short on money here on the US, my parents don't send me help from Brazil anymore, and if I don't want to go back to my roots there, I must work my way through the difficult times by myself. Immigrants don't usually have the best kind of jobs here, you know. Any chances we get must be taken seriously. I saw that map as an opportunity to save myself financially.

There was a red X marked on a more isolated area of the map, far from the camping areas on its bottom. Immediately I googled it and found that it was really close to the Fleming Unit Center, close enough for a visit.

Since I wouldn’t be able to finish the moving on that day, I headed out to the park. When I arrived, It was pretty easy to find myself, there were lots of signs pointing where each place was. Following the X on the map, I got to the isolated area.

There were huge dark trees that covered the whole site. It looked forgotten, like nature had taken over man’s creations. I felt weird, almost if I was alone in that whole park, even though I had passed by a happy family coming back from what I assumed was a picnic. I knew there were other people in other areas of the park, but even so I felt completely alone.

I started to explore, never losing sight of where I had parked the truck. Up ahead I saw some kind of a small construction. I could only see what looked like concrete from a distance, and it was covered by plants.

As I got closer, I could see that the building was a concrete cube, the size of a small bathroom, with only a metal door and a big padlock closing it. I was already getting mad at myself for driving all the way down there, to find a fucking toilet. But it couldn’t be just that, why would anyone keep its location almost hidden, right? So there I was, trying to open the door.

It took a couple heavier tries, and the screw that held the padlock came off, just like on that old box. As the door opened, I saw a staircase headed down.

There I stopped to weigh the possibilities. If I went down a fucking psycho could come and murder me, and if I backed out I wouldn't have money for the month's rent. Just the thought of going back to Brazil gave me the strength to keep going.

So I headed down, with my cellphone’s flashlight on. After descending a narrow stair corridor the place grew larger, about twice the size of the upstairs part. It looked exactly like the first floor, only bigger. The door there wasn’t locked.

As I went in a much bigger room, my flashlight became too weak for everything. I searched the walls for a light switch, but figured the power would have been cut off after so many years abandoned. Even with the small possibility that there would be electricity down there, I tried. And it fucking worked. There was light in that fucking place. I could not believe my luck.

Looking around, there were lots of closed doors, a corridor ahead and what looked like a waiting room in the middle of everything. In the middle of the 4 couches was a little table. On top of this table were a few cylinders like the one I first found. They were arranged inside individual boxes, with a card on top. The card read “For friends in need”.

The first metal door to my right was labeled “Recipient's room”. I immediately thought it was my chance, the jewelry could be in there. As I entered the door I saw it was a cozy place, had furniture, a bed nice enough to be at a 5 star hotel, and everything was still in its place, like frozen in time. The only thing that gave away its age was the penetrating smell of mold and the thick layer of dust on everything. There were no other doors inside, so I headed back to the main room.

The next metal door said “Surgery". As I walked in, I saw some other doors on a long corridor. The first one to the left read “Prep room”. I began to feel weird, with a feeling in my guts that I shouldn’t be seeing all that or as if something was wrong. I opened the door and could see a sink like the ones we see in medical tv shows. I went in. There was only that, and another door inside.

I could see what I assumed was a very old operating room by the looks of the instruments. They were all too rough, too rustic to be new, like that forceps shown in movies to deliver babies, that would kill the mother every time they were used.

I felt like I was in a time capsule. Everything was rusty, and it felt almost like the medical team had left the operation in the middle and never came back.

The table in the center was metal, like an autopsy one. There were no monitors or things like that, just the surgical instruments and a big lamp that could be moved to focus on the patient’s body.

Everything was covered by a black layer.

There were black stains all over the floor and the table, splattered around its edges. Some used gloves and masks were thrown on the floor, everything covered in black.

It must have been blood, the only logical thing that black mess could be. Maybe it had dried up and with time some kind of chemical reaction occured and made it all black, I don't know.

Dried blood.  I felt sick realizing that.

I didn’t stay in there much long, that place was giving me the creeps already and I’m not an easily scared person. So I headed back to the main room.

On the opposite side of the “Recipient's room”, was a “Donor’s room”. I looked inside and it sent a shiver down my spine.

There was only a small bed, like a hospital one. It had four straps, one on each corner, with handcuffs on the edges, all black by the dried blood.

The room locked from the outside.

The last door inside the main room read “Reception” and that room had a half wall that you could look inside from the outside. As I walked in I saw that it was divided in two roles of shelves, one to the right and one to the left. The right one had a “Donors” sign, and the left a “Recipients” sign. I went for the Donors one. It was organized alphabetically, A closest to the door, and Z to the back. I picked up a Kyle Averson's file, the closest one.

It looked like a police file, like the one we see in movies. Yellow cover and a bunch of papers inside. There was a picture of this guy on the front and his information on the back. He was born in 1932, white, brown hair, lived in California, and looked like he was around his 30s. There was a bunch of health information, like blood type, weight, height, any previous sickness, all too specific.

On a certain paper I discovered that he was donating his liver to 2 different people. I’ve always heard that a person’s liver can be divided in 2 parts, one for donating, and one for the donor himself. How could he be donating his whole liver at once?

The realization hit me in the stomach: I was exploring an illegal organ harvesting clinic. They kidnapped and killed people in there.

Fuck the jewelry, I just needed to get out of that place.

As desperate to leave as I was, I realized I needed to be sure before going to the police or something. I searched for the first person who would receive his liver. Didn’t take long to find, it was Clay Ashton, and the A role was right behind me in the Recipients shelves. Ashton also had a picture on his file, and looking quickly I could see that his health wasn’t too good. I know I’m not a doctor or anything, but I believe everyone knows that cirrhosis is a pretty bad condition which can kill you. They didn’t seem to be related or anything, the last names didn’t match.

I needed more evidence to make sure the police would believe me, so I looked around a little more and found the other patient that would receive Averson's liver, Jack Robbins.

He had autoimmune hepatitis, which I guessed was a pretty bad condition or he wouldn’t be getting a liver transplant. His file was very similar to Ashton's, they both were in pretty bad shape and needed a liver transplant, I figured.

I needed to get out of that place, the image of the dried blood already imprinted in my head. Heading out to the door I came in, I took another cylinder’s box to use as evidence.

As I was leaving the park, I called my friend to tell what I had just seen. His answer haunts me to this day.

He said his grandfather was a doctor, and the only thing his family knew about him was that he worked on a private clinic as a surgeon, but had never talked much about the place. They knew it was a clinic for the wealthier people, given his really high wage. But no one had the guts to ask him any further questions, he was a really intimidating man. 

That night the nightmares started and I've been having the same one every night, guess I wasn't able to digest what I saw there.

I dreamed that I was taken to that clinic and strapped to the table in the operating room. They didn’t give me any injections or sedatives, just started to cut me open in plain silence. The staff was dressed as a fifties movie, the instruments were all covered in that black gross thing I had seen. I felt the pain of the incision and everything faded to black. I woke up covered in sweat and shaking like a wet dog.

As soon as I was able to stand up without shaking too much, I went to the police. They investigated the place and took the evidence I gave them.

So far they have found 152 missing people among those files in the clinic. No bodies were found yet, but the cops are still going through all the papers.

That bracelet I found was identified by Julie's family, she had been missing since 1996, kidnapped after school when she was 13.

My friend's family is also being investigated, but I'm pretty sure they were as shocked as I was by my discovery. His grandfather died with his secret several years ago, and the only evidences he left behind were the cylinder and a bag full of medical instruments in the storage unit. I closed its door on October 13th and never spoke to that friend again.

So, after reading all this, do you believe me doc? Do you think I’m losing my shit?
« Last Edit: 07:31 PM, 11/25/17 by TataSantec »



mikemacdee

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Don't forget the title needs to be alliterative. Maybe Medical Mishap or something to that effect?



TataSantec

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Don't forget the title needs to be alliterative. Maybe Medical Mishap or something to that effect?

Oh I hadn't noticed that, thanks!



mikemacdee

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on: 05:15 PM, 11/15/17
I get that you're trying for an oral style narrative, which is why it's a big problem that the wording feels so unnatural. Nobody really talks this way, and the grammatical errors come off like mistakes of the author rather than "how people talk". Lines like " I opened up the rolling metal door on October 12th , and was stared back by a boring usual storage unit content" and "Knowing myself for 27 years," are totally unnatural. Read this story aloud to yourself and you'll see what I mean. Watch similar interviews on youtube to get a feel for how people talk in these situations. If English is your second language, work that into the narrative to lampshade it!

I like that it's one of the few entries so far that doesn't follow the first paragraph rule by describing how to open a storage unit in detail.

"I am curious, but not stupid." Coulda fooled me. What reason could she possibly have to explore this isolated, derelict building by herself other than plot convenience? It really damages the credibility of narrator and story when a character explores a potentially dangerous place "just because". There has to be a reason she can't avoid exploring it. Maybe she's in dire financial straits, and the cylinder also contained some valuables that turn out to have once belonged to dead patients.

"The staff was dressed as a fifties movie" I laughed at the image of doctors and nurses wearing giant VHS boxes of classic monster movies.

"everything faded to black, and finally I blacked out." Redundant. Use one phrase or the other, not both.

The reveal at the end was a disappointment, too. The unit contained medical apperati like the ones found in the secret clinic owned by the grandpa of the family who owned the storage unit. So what? Is it supposed to imply that the whole family is involved in spooky doctorin'? Then why would the friend even mention the grandpa's profession to an outsider? Why word it as if nobody knew what sort of medicine the grandpa practiced? Did some of Grandpa's stuff get mixed in with the rest of their stuff? If so, who cares?

I like the idea of exploring an abandoned medical clinic of dubious legality, but this story just doesn't seem to know what to do with it yet. It needs more revisions. Try writing a few outlines of different possibilities and pick the one that's most effective. There's a good scary story in here somewhere, you just have to figure out how to dig it up.
« Last Edit: 05:17 PM, 11/15/17 by mikemacdee »



TataSantec

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on: 05:48 PM, 11/15/17
yeah, english is my second language, I've been struggling with the words... I even tried to write the story in portuguese and then translate it to see if it would work, but it didn't improve that much.. I'll definetly do some changes, thank you so much for the honest opinion!



TataSantec

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on: 05:52 PM, 11/15/17
I like the idea of exploring an abandoned medical clinic of dubious legality, but this story just doesn't seem to know what to do with it yet. It needs more revisions. Try writing a few outlines of different possibilities and pick the one that's most effective. There's a good scary story in here somewhere, you just have to figure out how to dig it up.

I actually had an idea of a scarier situation, but I fear it would go beyond the "real horror" of the contest.. I don't actually know where I can take this plot to yet.. I've made so many changes already that I'm kinda lost



FábioVargas

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on: 08:48 PM, 11/15/17
love it



mikemacdee

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on: 12:03 AM, 11/16/17
yeah, english is my second language, I've been struggling with the words... I even tried to write the story in portuguese and then translate it to see if it would work, but it didn't improve that much.. I'll definetly do some changes, thank you so much for the honest opinion!
Definitely work that into the narrative early on then. That's the easiest way around the language barrier: make English the narrator's second language as well.

Some problems are an easy enough fix. Put the narrator in massive debt that's on the verge of biting her in the ass, and have the cylinder also contain valuables of the victims. Bam, visiting the abandoned clinic as part of a treasure hunt becomes an obvious choice for our greedy heroine.



TataSantec

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on: 08:32 AM, 11/16/17
I've already put all of your awesome tips in there! thank you so much!!



TataSantec

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on: 04:30 PM, 11/19/17
Does my first paragraph fit the rule of opening the unit? I tried to mention it without being too obvious, but now re-reading it I have doubts... what do you guys think?



Bosencaine

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on: 06:41 PM, 11/21/17
Does my first paragraph fit the rule of opening the unit? I tried to mention it without being too obvious, but now re-reading it I have doubts... what do you guys think?

I think it's probably fine as far as that particular guideline goes.

As for other little points:
-It is a little tough to read for language reasons, but dropping in that your narrator is native to Brazil really helps give your narrator the benefit of the doubt.
-I like the overall thrust of what you have. It has a sort of Barbie.avi feel to it, but with more definite answers.
-Like I said, it's easy enough to give your narrator the benefit of the doubt on vocabulary, but it might be good to know that 'cardboard' is not synonymous with 'box' or 'package'. When your narrator finds 'a smaller cardboard', I was waiting for them to tell me it was a cardboard...something.
-I don't know if referencing the Oct. 7 corpse is entirely necessary. Drawing attention to it almost feels like it's integral to your own story. I think it would be okay to stay vague with it.
-When explaining the nightmares, maybe open that paragraph with "I dreamed". The way it is, I had to wonder for a second if perhaps your narrator was explaining her previous interactions with a different psychiatrist. The dream sequence works, it just threw me off at first.
-Your mention of nature taking over man's creation sounds like Mary Shelley. I really liked that.

I think it's kinda cool for your narrator to be carrying on a one-sided conversation with someone. In that regard, it felt a bit like the narrative styling of Pickman's Model by H.P. Lovecraft. I don't know why I would be privy to that conversation, though. For realism, could you maybe make all of this an email or something which your narrator is sending to a psychiatrist rather than an actual conversation?
Also, maybe end on another appeal to the doctor. Like: "So, what do you think, doc? Am I crazy?" or something like that. I would like to see your doctor have a name, too.

The story itself is pretty engaging, and you don't waste much time with it. One thing you might want to consider is to make extra sure your vocabulary with locations is accurate. I don't know if I've ever seen a sign that read "Operating Center" or "Reception Desk". If it helps, the term 'Surgery' can apply to the place where operations are performed as well as the operation itself, and the place where they keep a reception desk is often just labeled as 'Reception'.
The only reason that seems important to me is because these are things your character is reading, not their own inner monologue.

Nicely done, though. I'd be happy to discuss it with you further either here or in private msg.s if that would make you more comfortable.
« Last Edit: 06:58 PM, 11/21/17 by Bosencaine »
Nightmares can be such flimsy things with such voracious appetites. Turn them away once and they can starve.



TataSantec

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on: 06:58 PM, 11/21/17
-It is a little tough to read for language reasons, but dropping in that your narrator is native to Brazil really helps give your narrator the benefit of the doubt.

-Like I said, it's easy enough to give your narrator the benefit of the doubt on vocabulary, but it might be good to know that 'cardboard' is not synonymous with 'box' or 'package'. When your narrator finds 'a smaller cardboard', I was waiting for them to tell me it was a cardboard...something.
-I don't know if referencing the Oct. 7 corpse is entirely necessary. Drawing attention to it almost feels like it's integral to your own story. I think it would be okay to stay vague with it.

I think it's kinda cool for your narrator to be carrying on a one-sided conversation with someone. In that regard, it felt a bit like the narrative styling of Pickman's Model by H.P. Lovecraft. I don't know why I would be privy to that conversation, though. For realism, could you maybe make all of this an email or something which your narrator is sending to a psychiatrist rather than an actual conversation?
Also, maybe end on another appeal to the doctor. Like: "So, what do you think, doc? Am I crazy?" or something like that. I would like to see your doctor have a name, too.

The story itself is pretty engaging, and you don't waste much time with it. One thing you might want to consider is to make extra sure your vocabulary with locations is accurate. I don't know if I've ever seen a sign that read "Operating Center" or "Reception Desk". If it helps, the term 'Surgery' can apply to the place where operations are performed as well as the operation itself, and the place where they keep a reception desk is often just labeled as 'Reception'.
The only reason that seems important to me is because these are things your character is reading, not their own inner monologue.

Nicely done, though. I'd be happy to discuss it with you further either here or in private messages if that would make you more comfortable.


well, I've been struggling with the language situation because I am from Brazil and have never written any stories like this in english... I've been attacking google to make sure I have the right words, but you're not the first to tell me that... hahha I am trying so hard to improve the language, but it's really hard on the details, like the reception desk you mentioned... but thank you SO MUCH for the tips, I'll be changing those terms right away, and would appreciate very much if you could point out any other terms that seem odd!

- and the idea of the email is great! I haven't thought of that, nor that the "solo conversation" would be a problem.. I'll definitely add that too!

thank you so much!



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on: 07:03 PM, 11/21/17
I'll be changing those terms right away, and would appreciate very much if you could point out any other terms that seem odd!

I'll give it another reading, and shoot you a list of any other awkward terms I bump into.

If this is your first story written in English as you say, I am very impressed with your command of the language.
Nightmares can be such flimsy things with such voracious appetites. Turn them away once and they can starve.



TataSantec

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on: 07:06 PM, 11/21/17
I'll give it another reading, and shoot you a list of any other awkward terms I bump into.

If this is your first story written in English as you say, I am very impressed with your command of the language.


Oh, thank you! It really is my first story in english! I used to write in portuguese when I was younger, but kinda stopped, and now DP and UCA made me come back to writting, but totally out of my confort zone..

I've sent you a private message  :)



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on: 08:30 PM, 11/21/17
Alright, so this might be a little tricky to organize, but here's basically just a blast of everything that struck me as questionable.
From the top:

-First off, mind your ellipses...just...three dots...if at all...
Of course, if you are turning this into an email, you could get away with more formatting issues like that. Heck, if it's an email, you could even insert emoticons if you wanted...though I would not recommend it if it's meant for a doctor.
-I think 'some drugs' could make more sense as just 'drugs'
-Where you describe the unit contents as useless and emotional stuff, 'sentimental' might work better than 'emotional'.
-'Picture framing' is not a term I have ever heard. Picture 'frames' yes, not 'framing'.
-'Luggage bag' is a little awkward. I know what you mean, but there are terms for those. Just 'luggage', 'duffel bag', something like that. For a more formal term, Google 'valise', see if that's what you're thinking of.
-You tend to use a lot of commas. There are some run on sentences, and I noticed you have a habit of using a comma followed by 'that' when a lot of times you could drop the comma and use the word 'which'. 'That' could still work if you drop the comma, but 'which' is a little more precise and slightly more formal in my eyes.
-'pink old ribbon' could better be written as 'old, pink ribbon'.
-The device is a 'zipper' not a 'zip', unless you're my Norwegian aunt.
-I know what you mean by 'infiltration', but I think 'leak' might work better. Water infiltration is a super technical term in my experience, and really only used by insurance investigators and people like that.
-Where you say 'closure', I think you mean 'lid'...or possibly 'hinge' or 'clasp', I couldn't quite tell.
-Oddly enough, 'wandering about hypothetical questions' does work in a metaphorical sense, but I think you mean 'wondering'.
-'With the green light to explore' kind of threw me. I didn't know which green light it was, and it sounded like you would be exploring the light itself. 'Using' the green light could fix that, provided you say which light it is. 'Using the green light of the moving van to explore' maybe?
-'Wouldn't be able to rest until I figured out that puzzle'...this is a tricky one to explain. It borders on being present tense, because you mention how you ARE a competitive person (which is fine) but also because you reference what could be happening in the future. Maybe touch that to feel more like a memory. Like: "I'm a competitive person, so I knew I wouldn't be able to rest-" or even just change 'be' to 'have been'.
"-so I wouldn't have been able-".
I hope that makes sense. Like I said, it's hard to explain.
-Just 'treasure' map, not "treasures" or "treasure's". Treasure is the style of map, like 'dress shoes'.
-'Site' is a place you might go, 'sight' is what your eyes tell you. I can't remember where this was exactly...I think it was when you were talking about the 'dark trees around the sight' or something.
-'Passed through a happy family' sounds like you ran them over. "Passed by" might work better.
-You reiterate that the concrete building looks like a bathroom a few times. Maybe cut one or two.
-When you talk about the location being 'encrypted', I think you mean 'obscured' or 'concealed'. Encryption is usually for codes and secret communications.
-You say 'stair' a few times when I think you mean 'staircase', 'stairway', or 'stairwell'. Of these three, 'staircase' is the most mundane, I think...or just 'some stairs'.
Technically, 'stair' isn't wrong, but it's an older phrasing which is almost unused these days. "The other day upon the stair, I saw a man who wasn't there"...that's an old poem.
-The syntax for your paragraph about weighing possibilities is kind of strange. If I were to rewrite that, I would say: "If I went down, a fucking psycho could murder me, but if I backed out I wouldn't have money for rent".
-'Locking system' makes me think of electronic keypads, not padlocks. Maybe just say 'lock'.
-The 'time lapse' of the patient's room could be smoothed out by saying 'age'.
-The term 'Scrubbing Room' feels weird, but I honestly don't know what doctors actually call that area. 'Prep Room'? 'Ready Room'? I don't know.
-You use the term 'frozen in time' in several places. It's not a bad phrase, but it is precise enough to be noticeable when it's repeated.
-'Donors' is the right term, but technically anyone would be a 'Patient'. I think if you wanted to draw attention to both types of patients, 'Recipients' might work as the other type.
-With the medical files, that sort of thing is usually alphabetical according to last name, not first...though, this isn't a real hospital, so maybe they have their own filing system. *shrug*
-'Until this day' makes it sound like after that day it will be different. 'To this day' is usually the phrase which means 'still ongoing'.
-Not a problem here, but I did have to smile toward the end when you use the phrase 'no one had the guts' or something like that. I can't remember exactly where it was. That is a very common phrase, and not at all out of place, just that the reference of 'guts' around illegal organ trafficking made me happy.

Aaaalright...I think that's all. Sorry I can't quote the sections for you, but my browser is being problematic.
Good luck with it. Feel free to shoot me a msg. with any other particular questions.
« Last Edit: 12:56 AM, 11/22/17 by Bosencaine »
Nightmares can be such flimsy things with such voracious appetites. Turn them away once and they can starve.