Author Topic: FSU 66: Magic Milk [WIP]  (Read 660 times)

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AbundantAnxiety

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on: 02:56:37 AM 12/01/17
Don't go easy, I already know what I'm probably going to remove and rewrite, but please feel free to voice opinions, maybe yours is way better than mine. I'm just posting the first page to get it out there and off my chest so maybe I can breathe a little easier.

Fleming Unit #66: Magic Milk.

        I thought driving almost twelve hours would be a fun road trip, which it was. For the first five hours of the trip though. The remainder of the time I honestly just wanted to ram the front end of my aging Land Rover into anything solid enough to end the monotony. Mercy was found as my phone announced my destination was on the right, which I eagerly pulled into. I threw up a peace sign along with my papers to the less-than-impressed female officer, who had seen too many or too few punks like me, that stepped into my way. Once satisfied she waved me past, though I only had to go less than halfway down the right before I found the unit. Sixty six. One more six could have been a party. Something between a whimper and a moan left my lips as I slid from the driver’s seat and got to business. The metallic clacks of the door signalled the beginning of a hell no other in the surrounding units would know.

   Invoices, eleven whole stupid boxes worth. My stepfather had kept every single god damned invoice over the independent portion of his career. Maybe something a carpenter or luthier would do, but for a children’s book writer it seemed a bit excessive. I contemplated pulling a cigarette from my tattered denim vest and having a nice smoke before setting the papers ablaze. Don’t allow my appearance to fool you though. Underneath the crimson dyed sidecut, eyeliner, skinny jeans and Doc Martens, I actually gave a shit about people around me. Second hand smoke was irritating, especially when from the massive blaze the ancient papers would create. The sentimental value of the items inside helped as well, originally being my birth-father’s storage unit.

        Of course those items were behind the piled up filing boxes that had been habitually saved over the years. David should have been there doing so but he was on vacation with my mom. Some may know my stepfather, at least if you’ve had children and ever needed help getting them to sleep. ‘The Adventures of Davie the Milkman’ was a surprisingly popular analog for the sandman, most likely because of his ‘Magic Milk’ which helped sleepy kids find their way to Dreamtown.  Gullible or at least trusting children would happily chug down a glass of warm milk so they could play with Stevie in the paradise that was Dreamland. Parent’s loved it too since according to some, their children would -beg- to go to bed. I would know because I was the test subject for these books.

   I slid open a box, letting out the horrid stench inside, even nearly frozen the smell came up. Evidently mildew had a field day in these boxes since they hadn’t been touched in years. I dropped the lid and backed off, waving the foul stench from my face. I could have left them, they wouldn’t have been my problem. David’s words rang through my head again.

   “Hey Jackie-boy, how’s my little guy doing? Oh wait, sorry, Alooooooha!” David’s chipper attitude was sickeningly constant.
   
   “I’m uh, fine David. You and my mom doing alright?” A lovely day in my apartment in Seattle, evidently an event other’s didn’t know was sacred.. My hypnotic gaze into the dreary drizzle outside had been shattered while I held the phone a few inches from my ear, sipping the lukewarm mocha I had neglected.

   “Slugger we haven’t even seen a single cloud, think I’m gonna buy a time share a-”

   “David, is there something I can help you with? I was kind of in the middle of something.” I knew I could be a little more rude, but then David would just comment on how ‘adorably grumpy’ I was being.



urkelbot666

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on: 10:39:24 AM 12/01/17
This seems to be off to a good start. I like the narrator's voice so far and the childrens' books angle is interesting. David already seems somewhat sinister to me, as well as being irritatingly cheerful x3 One thing I might suggest is moving the description of your narrator's physical appearance to earlier in the piece, maybe when confronting the police officer. I just feel like that would flow more naturally, but that's just me :)

One thing I wanted to ask was about the line Gullible or at least trusting children would happily chug down a glass of warm milk so they could play with Stevie in the paradise that was Dreamland I was just wondering who "Stevie" was. Is that a typo and supposed to be Davie from the book's title? Or have I missed something? Anyway, nice opening. Looks promising so far.
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Lysdoodle Weaver

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on: 11:01:39 AM 12/01/17
Urkelbot, I just presumed Steve was the main child character of the Davie story. Then again I totally thought the book was called the Magic milkman. Reading is not my strong suit.

Abundant
    It's a nice start, though I am curious as to why David the face-punchable stepdad is storing things in a unit that belongs/ belonged to bio-dad.
    " Don’t allow my appearance to fool you though. Underneath the crimson dyed sidecut, eyeliner, skinny jeans and Doc Martens, I actually gave a shit about people around me. " I have actually found people like that to be even m9re caring than the ones who don't  but that's  just me.
      How old is stepson that he hasn't  made it clear to David that " Jackie-boy"  "Slugger" and " adorably grumpy" is a not how you address anyone ?Or is David just the sort of guy who goes  " yeah, sure thing kiddo, whatever you say. Listen, Jackster..."



AbundantAnxiety

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on: 02:15:11 AM 12/04/17
This seems to be off to a good start. I like the narrator's voice so far and the childrens' books angle is interesting. David already seems somewhat sinister to me, as well as being irritatingly cheerful x3 One thing I might suggest is moving the description of your narrator's physical appearance to earlier in the piece, maybe when confronting the police officer. I just feel like that would flow more naturally, but that's just me :)

One thing I wanted to ask was about the line Gullible or at least trusting children would happily chug down a glass of warm milk so they could play with Stevie in the paradise that was Dreamland I was just wondering who "Stevie" was. Is that a typo and supposed to be Davie from the book's title? Or have I missed something? Anyway, nice opening. Looks promising so far.

Okay, thank you first off. I've been guilty of front loading in the past so I probably spaced things out more than necessary. Secondly, OH MY SWEET LORD I'M SO EMBARRASSED! You're correct. Less a typo and more an overlooked correction. Steve/Stevie didn't sit well for some reason, so it was SUPPOSED to be Davie. D'oh.



AbundantAnxiety

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on: 02:20:27 AM 12/04/17
Urkelbot, I just presumed Steve was the main child character of the Davie story. Then again I totally thought the book was called the Magic milkman. Reading is not my strong suit.

Abundant
    It's a nice start, though I am curious as to why David the face-punchable stepdad is storing things in a unit that belongs/ belonged to bio-dad.
    " Don’t allow my appearance to fool you though. Underneath the crimson dyed sidecut, eyeliner, skinny jeans and Doc Martens, I actually gave a shit about people around me. " I have actually found people like that to be even m9re caring than the ones who don't  but that's  just me.
      How old is stepson that he hasn't  made it clear to David that " Jackie-boy"  "Slugger" and " adorably grumpy" is a not how you address anyone ?Or is David just the sort of guy who goes  " yeah, sure thing kiddo, whatever you say. Listen, Jackster..."

To your first point, literally right after the last line of phone dialog that's explained, but I don't blame you for wondering at all. Secondly the comment about his appearance is more a statement about general people's stereotypes, not implying that people who look a certain way are normally uncaring or etc. To your last point, again it's almost immediately after explained that no matter what David treats Jack like that. I think I just need to go back and reread once more to clear my thoughts and fix everything, thank you!



urkelbot666

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on: 10:04:59 AM 12/04/17
Oh man, I do that a lot too x3. Sometimes I just put in placeholder names if I can't think of one that fits well. I'll go through my own work at the end and be like "wait... who is that?"
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