Author Topic: Unit 103: Sinister Sweets  (Read 543 times)

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Solidvalentine

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on: 12:07:52 AM 11/27/17
Fleming Storage unit 103: Sinister Sweet
Feedback welcomed because I'm terrible at this.

   I spent an entire college semester in an “Applied linguistics” class, and by the midterm I still didn’t know what “Applied linguistics” meant. It had something about how words being used to solve problems, but that still doesn’t explain anything. Luckily my sister took the same class a year back and somehow passed. So she gave me the key to her storage unit where she kept her old textbooks. I was too poor to buy my own. That wasn’t all I took though. When I opened the unit, I saw a bright orange jack-o-lantern bucket. Thing might have been a year old and only had five pieces of candy in it. I couldn’t complain though, again I’m broke.
So after getting the keys to the old car and the basket of candy, I took off on the road to this little sturdy shack not to far of from Beaver Creek Rd. I found out about it through some friends. Place is extremely popular for party goers and teenagers wanting to break some laws. It’s close enough to the campground that everybody assumes it was just some old forgotten campsite. I was planning to take advantage of it since nobody was going to be using it until halloween parties started kicking up.
   I parked the car by the side of the road and made my way through the small trails that led to the cabin. The shed was built with thick logs, had tiny windows, and a hefty door. It actually took some strength to get the thing to open.
   When I finally made myself comfortable, I opened the book and began reading. I read a chapter or two and then realized I didn’t learn anything about applied linguistics. I decided to look into the bucket and grab a piece. The best looking one seemed to be, a larger than average jawbreaker. I laid the candy to my mouth to appraise it. I’ll be damned, It was actually good. I let it sit in my cheek for a bit and read a few more chapters. Around chapter seven or eight, I realized I still didn’t learn a thing about what applied linguistics even was. After considering whether or not to drop this course, I tried to leave. The only problem was that the door was not budging open.
I was fucked. I began to panic, freaking and started screaming fuck, shit, and other profanities repeatedly. This lasted for about fifteen minutes until I tried to calm myself down with another piece of candy. It seemed to be some kind fancy chocolate overpriced truffle. I immediately gagged, with half the piece down my throat and the half-chewed on the floor. It was terribly expired, and might be the worst thing I tasted. The paranoia came back to me, and I started to get desperately wanting to get out of cabin. I tried slamming by body against the door until my arm grew sore. As I began to tear up, my eyes caught the attention of the window.
   I got a broom to break the class of window and tried to squeeze my way through the door. The cool air hit me and I realize that it was getting dark outside. Some broken glass from the edge of window started cutting my thighs. I wiggled for about fifteen minutes until fully accepting that my ass was stuck in the window. At that point my breakdown peaked, I let out giant desperate wails. This got something's attention, since I started to hear the crunch of leaves getting closer to me. I started to debate to myself on whether I should try to yell for help, or tried to get my butt free and hide. I just saw the movie Jeepers Creepers last week and I wanted to keep those eyes. I wiggled my butt in reverse, I sank back in. My body pressed up against the wall as the footsteps grew closer to the cabin. My body tensed up, as the foot step seemed right outside the cabin. the footsteps the paused. I stood completely still for what felt like the longest minute of my life.
Eventually the sound of the footsteps started up again and grew fainter. At that point I was bruised, covered in cuts, and starving. I decided to take a gamble on another piece of candy. I picked what I thought was a bootleg Smartie. It didn’t really have any taste. After a thirty minutes I started to feel dizzy and hot. A couple moments later, My teeth were falling out and skin was peeling off.
Now at the time, I thought I was done. One night in a cabin and applied linguistics made me lose my grip on reality. The walls of the cabin felt like they were shifting and changing color and the wind coming from the broken window felt crazy. I reach over to take another bite of candy, since the only other thing in the cabin to comfort me is the textbook. I haphazardly sticked and wiggled my hand inside the bucket until it came out with a piece of candy. I threw the piece in my mouth biting my hand in the process. Didn’t matter though, because I was to amazed by the euphoria of a soft chocolaty goodness. That was of course before I actually bit down. I felt a piercingly cold and sharp razor hit my tongue and get stuck in my gums. I see large amounts of color-changing blood spill out of my mouth. I start screaming as this empty cabin  became the most chaotic place on earth. The walls were collapsing on me, but never actually hit me. Throughout all this chaos, I managed to focus on the door. It was shifting upward as if it was looking down at me.
   “This fucking door thinks it better than me! Fuck this door! Fuck all doors, why the fuck do we need doors! I going to beat the shit out of this door!” I remember thinking to myself. I then ran from one end of the cabin to another, ramming into the door. Then I did that again, with a little more passion to fuck this door up. This process repeated until my urge to make this door perish was too much for it. It hinges broke off and fell on the welcome mat of the cabin.
I began screaming at the defeated door, proclaiming my victory. I started running around the cabin and yelling like I just won the Superbowl. I grabbed the bucket, held the final piece of candy in my hand, knowing I deserved it. I put the piece in my mouth with with overwhelming vigor. I bitten on my victory candy, and was greeted by the taste and texture of raw meat. This meat candy seemed to take up more space in my mouth by the second, but I couldn’t really focus on that because I saw a shadowy figure run right me.
It tackled me to the ground, Shining a burning light in my eyes. It started asking me a whole bunch of questions, but I couldn’t understand anything it was saying. As it got louder I thought about what I could be interrogated for. There was only one option I could think of.
   “Applied linguistics is the field of literature that is used to solve language-related problems! In the late 1950s focus in linguistics started narrowing to…” Word for word. I screamed the entirety of my applied linguistics textbook, until I passed out.
   I awoke in the hospital the morning after. I was told camp staff found me on the ground, surrounded by squirrel corpses, screaming about applied linguistics with a mouth filled with squirrel meat and a razor blade. As soon I was able to go back, I got the candy bucket and went back to Fleming Storage and put the book and bucket away. I still to this day know nothing about applied linguistics.
« Last Edit: 08:18:55 PM 12/08/17 by Solidvalentine »



Orianna

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on: 11:59:27 AM 11/27/17
"I still to this day no nothing about applied linguistics."

First of all, it should be know, not no.

In terms of concept, I was certainly interested. The pacing was a little confusing. It seemed extremely fast, and despite the stated passage of time, it didn't feel that way. Still, a lot of potential in this topic. I like the idea of the drugged candy. I little bit of a better reason to eat it would make sense. Like the sister mentioning it and suggesting the narrator eat it since it was free and not all that old, something like that.



Rika84

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on: 09:30:55 PM 11/28/17
My brain is like... "What... the fuck...?" in a good way.
Firstly, I like that this story is taking place almost entirely outside of the Fleming Storage/Plaza area. This is an incident, some action-packed thing that is happening, almost entirely independent of the overall project narrative but still within it. Cool. Beans. Cool beans.

I think you could use a little more "normalcy" in the beginning to give the reader some time to settle in before the big ol' drug trip.
Why is the candy there? What is the sister like? Is she the kind of person to have drugged candy or is this something sinister?
What are your narrator's thoughts the next morning? I feel like it ends juuuust a tad too quickly. Again, maybe a little more clear-headedness on either end of the story will ground it better.

Also, I'm sorry...
"I just saw the movie Jeepers Creepers last week and I wanted to keep those eyes."
Unless there's some really good backstory reason, you should probably avoid such a passing reference to other horror media. XD;;
Just saying. It breaks the immersion, you know?

Wait, so was there really a razor blade IN the candy? Or... where did they get the razor blade...? x_X I guess it's not THAT important. Just... huh.

Anyway, it's a really fun read, and I think with a little more grounding it will only get better.



urkelbot666

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on: 11:04:46 PM 11/28/17
I found this one a little iffy in the beginning, like I wasn't sure where it was going exactly. But once it got moving I started to really enjoy it. It's got a hectic, disorienting feel which I liked. The implied imagery of a maniac, cut up from window glass grabbing and taking bites from passing squirrels while reciting a textbook is actually really hilarious to me.

I feel a little like there could be more information and background given for this story, but at the same time, by the end of it I'm not sure it would have added anything for me personally. By the time everything has happened, it was more interesting hearing what had happened than exactly why. I liked this one :)
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Lysdoodle Weaver

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on: 12:17:34 PM 12/01/17
Overall an interesting idea that sounds uneven in parts. Here's  my quibble list, with questions for "you" the narrator character:

"  When I opened the unit, I saw a bright orange jack-o-lantern bucket. Thing might have been a year old and only had five pieces of candy in it. I couldn’t complain though, again I’m broke. "
 Yes, that's  why you were borrowing old textbooks. Why were you stealing old candy?

" I realized I still didn’t learn a thing about what applied linguistics even was" I still hadn't  learned a thing, etc.

" I laid the candy to my mouth to appraise it. I’ll be damned, It was actually good" How could you tell? What'd  did you do exactly? Put it in your mouth? Tastes it with your lips? Not sure I understand.

" After considering whether or not to drop this course" and deciding what? ", I tried to leave. The only problem was that the door was not budging open.

I was fucked. I began to panic, freaking and started screaming fuck, shit, and other profanities repeatedly"
 I don't  know enough about you to decide if thi is you drugged or just how you react to every tiny setback. Is there an Applied Linguistics classroom on fire somewhere and a professors car wrapped around an electric transformer?

" I just saw the movie Jeepers Creepers last week and I wanted to keep those eyes." What eyes? Or did you mean "those eyes", or Those Eyes to reference the song/movie

"After a thirty minutes I started to feel dizzy and hot." Ate candy. Stood perfectly still, not doing anything for exactly 30 minutes?

" . I reach over to take another bite of candy, since the only other thing in the cabin to comfort me is the textbook." Eat candy. Shit gets crazy. Eat candy?

" . I start screaming as this empty cabin  became the most chaotic place on earth. " More than previously? Are we talking shuddering floors? Lovecraftian eldrich horrors or Jamesian malevolent spirits crowding in?  Full on Evil Dead 2 everything-is-laughing cabin?

" It was shifting up word " Upward(s) . Spell check is not a trust worthy friend.

" I bitten on my victory candy, and is greeted by the taste and texture of raw meat" Sudden tense change!


" It tackled me to the ground, shing a burning light in my eyes." Shining.

There's  also an awful  lot of specific time passing. We're you taking time during these freakouts to check your watch?

Is this list long? It feels long.