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Messages - DeepFriedHamster

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Your Stories / Re: Walking home.
« on: 11:04:23 PM 01/12/18 »
You have my full permission to do it and sell it, but I want a copy at full price

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Hi I'm DeepFriedHamster. I plan to find a worthy rival and forget to check posts as frequently as I should. This is the first place I've posted any sites of mine and i plan to post a good few as time goes on. Cya around




In also don't really understand forums anymore i use that brain space for remembering  dirty jokes

3
Your Stories / Walking home.
« on: 12:45:07 AM 12/09/17 »
         I see a man infornt of me on my walk home. He turns his head in my direction, and quickens his pace till he is out of view. As I continue to walk I turn my head to see someone walking behind me. I walk a little faster putting some distance between us.

(Repeat)

4
Story Critique / serpiente del mar
« on: 12:37:38 AM 12/09/17 »
The sunrise crested over the ocean waves the sun rising again from the depths to illuminate the sky, sea and sands of a beach side resort "more than half the world away" my wife had said " first your body has to get away from all your worries and then your mind.".

 The first part had been easy enough a 4 hour flight on a flight packed to the brim with new parents and their children. The back bathroom was broken but, the food was decent and the beer was free. A half hour after landing we were walking into our hotel suite overlooking the beach popping open a champagne bottle to celebrate a week in paradise.

Finding it difficult to break routine even on vacation I woke up the second day as the sky was being painted a new shade of blue just before the crack of dawn. I made my way down to the beach barefoot with a towel and a half empty bottle of champagne. My goal to wash away thoughts of the city with the sounds of the waves and drown out the pain in my lower back with the alcohol.

I closed my eyes and began to let myself be carried by sound of the tide until a metallic clanging began to break through the waves. At first it was random, then rhythmic. I opened my eyes to find the sound was coming from a small trio of men standing knee deep in the water.They were dressed in bathing suits with torn and stained tank tops. They were locals clearly one held a set of metallic rings he clanged together, the other a small bowl with a dark liquid and the third collected small sticks and leaves from the waves. An odd ritual for sure, but interesting enough to ask about.
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"Serpiente del mar." It was the response the bartender gave me along with a banana daiquiri I claimed was for my wife. " It's a speciality drink.They take sticks and leaves that have been in the water and ferment it in honey and rum. It's part of the old culture from before Christianity hit the island."

On the third day the bartender stopped to speak to me. "My friend, tomorrow I will have a gift for you just come early to the beach. I'm sure you'll love it." He had arranged for my wife and I to have some of the specialty drink of the island along with a blessing of good luck from the local guru's I'd seen that morning on the beach. A once in a lifetime experience he assured us.

We made our way to the beach along with 2 other couples to meet with the bartender and the 3 guru's. They placed necklaces with small stones on the women and crowns of various leaves on the men. They then came to each couple asking our names, and saying prayers in a foreign tongue before taking us to sit down facing the beach. They placed a bowl of what i assume was incense and served us our drinks. The men then entered the water in front of us and began a chant as they danced in the water.

"Ok. Drink it now." Said the bartender. I brought the glass to my lips the smell was sweet and betrayed the intense taste. I felt it burn my throat as it went down and reached out towards my extremities warming me from the inside. My gaze focused on the dancers movements the sound of the waves and the chants mixing together. I felt my body relax and, I began to sway then my head suddenly dropped to my chest.

My eyes raised back to the beach and i saw before me what could only be called a  vision of magnificent desolation. Behind the men dancing on the beach i saw towers of shimmering ebony in the ocean. As i watched them the towers ebbed and flowed with the waves. The longer i looked i realized they were not towers but tendrils that reached to the darkness in the sky beyond the approaching dawn and that they did not flow with the waves but caused them with their movement. I did not feel fear, but a desperation for my mind to complete a thought forming in me. As I reached for the words I  desperately needed my eyes felt heavy and i was consumed by the chanting of the men as a cry in the distance began to grow with intensity.


When I opened my eyes the sun had risen and the three men were walking back to their homes away from the beach.

The rest of the week was a wonderful vacation filled with food late nights, alcohol and intimate nights in a suite with thin walls. As we headed to the gate I was stopped by a familiar face "My friend, my friend!   I am glad you had fun I have one last gift" he said as handed me a small bottle of dark liquid with a few leaves and sticks floating in them and a small envelope. "I wrote down  the blessing they did for you and your wife. Please don't forget us my friend."
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I haven't opened the bottle since coming home. I didn't even open the letter till last night when some friends came over for dinner and asked about our trip. I'm not the best with words and real life unlike stories don't really have clear endings, but the best I can do for you os to write the translation of the blessing in the letter

"May the howling winds propel you forth, may the Sun guide your way and banish shadows. When fear grips you remember the call of mother. As all life is born from the ocean it will return, you will return, we will all return.".


Authors note: this story is written with the idea that it is a bit of a lullaby. I often fall asleep listening to horror readings. Designing a story that has the atmospheric capacity to relax by reading it is an idea I'd like to explore.

What I'm looking for in the analysis of this story would be comments on how it flows, where the fat can be trimmed and, if the the story is able to make you imagine its setting. Of course all criticism is welcome, but those aspects are my focus

I hope you enjoyed it.

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