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Messages - urkelbot666

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1
Story Critique / Re: Paper Please
« on: 12:06:18 PM 06/30/18 »
I love the concept of this one. The friendly request that the machines are making is creepy and hilarious. I feel like the execution could use some work though. Like Abysmii said some of the sentence structure is a little odd. While reading, I felt like I couldn't quite figure out the voice of the narrator, there were points where he was almost overly verbose and descriptive, and other parts where he seemed to speak more normally. I think this piece could be expanded and streamlined a bit without hurting the effectiveness of it being short.
   Though I do really like the parallel of the childishness of wanting sugary chocolate milk and the childishness of running barefoot out of the house instead of calmly and logically thinking of a way to deal with the situation, the story does feel a bit uneven to me. Mostly in terms of how much time is spent on the setup and descriptions of getting a drink compared to how the narrator feels while he's trying to figure out what is going on later and what to do about it.
   So yeah, I think this one could be stronger in terms of execution, but like I said, I really like the concept. I do wonder what the machine wanted to print though... or maybe it just wanted to let him know that he had no paper x3

2
Your Stories / Re: Serious Inquiries Only, Please!
« on: 10:47:18 PM 12/26/17 »
Thanks to you two for reading and taking the time to comment! I appreciate it. To RedSleeves, I had originally hoped to expand on the story a little bit, like maybe in the form of a journal detailing the degeneration of the narrator's mind et-cetera. But I wasn;t sure if I was up to the challenge of writing it and doing it justice.
I'm glad to hear that the comedy of this story was apparent. That's mostly what I was going for. Thanks again for reading :)

3
Your Stories / Serious Inquiries Only, Please!
« on: 11:16:57 AM 12/24/17 »
Content removed by author. Sorry :(

4
Fleming Storage Units WIPs / Re: Unit 120-Till Time
« on: 10:09:54 PM 12/05/17 »
This one has some excitement and tension in it, and I was interested to keep reading. I like the concept of the narrator being stalked for something she doesn't even know she has yet. The narrator's voice has a good deal of personality.
There are some things I wanted to mention here in terms of format and rules and stuff. According to the video and the rules shortlist the narrator has to open the unit in the first paragraph and close it in the last. The end seems to have the unit closing, but the beginning takes a while to get there. Also, one thing I want to point out, the rules state that the story should be in past tense, and as of now this one is in present tense. I just wanted to point that out since there's still some time to modify it! One other thing is that the gun shop is Hopper's not Hooper's.
Anyway, I did enjoy reading this one, I just wanted to point some of those things out :)

5
Very provocative, aided by the short length. I liked this one. I enjoyed the narrator's sterile and, to steal your own word, clinical voice which was also kept interesting with a few personal observations. Lots of cool ideas in this one. :)

6
Fleming Storage Units WIPs / Re: FSU 66: Magic Milk [WIP]
« on: 10:04:59 AM 12/04/17 »
Oh man, I do that a lot too x3. Sometimes I just put in placeholder names if I can't think of one that fits well. I'll go through my own work at the end and be like "wait... who is that?"

7
Going back through, I only found a couple things. I thought there had been one or two more, but I guess not! One is, I believe that Sophomore has an "O" after the "H," It's just missing here. And I think there's a word missing here

were put in between more recent looking photos him and a reddish brown haired woman


I imagine it ought to be "photos of him"

8
Not much to go on yet, but I like the narrator's voice so far though I felt the line "Obviously I made some wrong decisions in my life to end up here." might have been a little heavy handed. I like the imagery of the old furniture style TV station, and of course, the kitty :3

9
Very interesting. I wasn't sure about the sort of stream-of-consciousness style of narration, but by the end I thought it worked really well. Though I can't tell how literal the things being described toward the end are, I think they worked to give tone and really drive home the theme of this one.

A couple typos, but nothing too distracting. I'm glad I read this one :)

10
I have mixed feelings about this one. I like a lot of the style and certain details, but parts of  the ending seemed a little odd to me. I love the reveal of the statue as a flask, I think that's really effective. I also really liked the way the cop nabbed him because he was technically in a commercial vehicle, that was good research.

I feel like there may be something I'm missing in terms of the recurring dreams, like they are telling me something and I'm not picking up on it. But it did feel strange to me at the very end where the narrator talks about finding out he has the same addiction as his family. I hadn't gotten the impression through the story that he was fighting or denying alcoholism very much. He does some justification of his drinking, but I didn;t get any thought that drinking was causing him any problems. Especially after he only blew a .07

Another thing that felt abrupt to me was the police officer's change in demeanor after getting Sawyer in the car. The way he starts to open up in such a short time felt a little unnatural to me.

There were a few typos here and there in this one, but another proofreading should take care of most of them. There was one thing I wanted to ask about though. The narrator talks about not being in Havre for 7 years, but if he had left in 2008 that would make it closer to 9 years, right? I'm a little dense sometimes, so I might be missing something.

There were parts of this that I really liked though :)

11
Very intriguing! I don't entirely understand the nature of what was uncovered about Uncle Sam, but the information that was given has got me thinking, and I feel that's a good thing. I like how Harper is left intentionally vague as a character, and how that relates to the reveal at the end. I'll probably be reading this one a couple more times to pick up on more details. I noticed a few typos here and there, but nothing too distracting, and nothing another proofread wouldn;t fix. I liked this one!

I considered my own story finished and e-mailed it to the judges yesterday. I wish I had waited one more day; my unit is right next to yours and I would have liked to include my narrator noticing the faint smell of Old Spice ;)

12
Fleming Storage Units WIPs / Re: FSU 66: Magic Milk [WIP]
« on: 10:39:24 AM 12/01/17 »
This seems to be off to a good start. I like the narrator's voice so far and the childrens' books angle is interesting. David already seems somewhat sinister to me, as well as being irritatingly cheerful x3 One thing I might suggest is moving the description of your narrator's physical appearance to earlier in the piece, maybe when confronting the police officer. I just feel like that would flow more naturally, but that's just me :)

One thing I wanted to ask was about the line Gullible or at least trusting children would happily chug down a glass of warm milk so they could play with Stevie in the paradise that was Dreamland I was just wondering who "Stevie" was. Is that a typo and supposed to be Davie from the book's title? Or have I missed something? Anyway, nice opening. Looks promising so far.

13
Fleming Storage Units WIPs / Re: Unit 103: Sinister Sweets
« on: 11:04:46 PM 11/28/17 »
I found this one a little iffy in the beginning, like I wasn't sure where it was going exactly. But once it got moving I started to really enjoy it. It's got a hectic, disorienting feel which I liked. The implied imagery of a maniac, cut up from window glass grabbing and taking bites from passing squirrels while reciting a textbook is actually really hilarious to me.

I feel a little like there could be more information and background given for this story, but at the same time, by the end of it I'm not sure it would have added anything for me personally. By the time everything has happened, it was more interesting hearing what had happened than exactly why. I liked this one :)

14
I enjoyed this story :) Good concept and pretty good execution, I think. Most of what you mentioned might need fixing seemed okay to me. There might have been some dialogue grammar that was off, but I honestly can;t remember anything specific, so it obviously wasn;t too distracting. The dialogue itself felt natural enough to me.

I think the only thing that could be expanded upon is the range of emotions that the narrator goes through. I understand that he's obviously going to be shocked and angry at first. but I was sort of thinking that he might also have some conflicting emotions as well. I didn;t entirely get the impression that the narrator had a terrible life or that anything specifically bad happened because he was taken in by this other woman. I was wondering if he would have more anger toward his mother's first husband for leaving him. I realize that it's a lot of stuff to take in all at once, but I felt like I might have wanted to see a little more confusion mixed with his anger. That's just me though.

I liked how the world was worked into the story, though some of the chat at Moomoo's felt a little extraneous to me. Probably just because of the overall short-ish length of the piece in general.

Also, a few questions. Is the truck a reference to the Possible Paranoia story? I think there was a mention of black Dodge trucks in that story, and I contemplated adding one to my story x3 Also, is "Harrison Ellis" any kind of reference to Harlan Ellison? I kept accidentally reading the name as Harlan Ellison while I was reading this one. I think you've got a good story here, and something that could be further explored if you felt so inclined :)

15
I guess it was mostly just Jeremy that came across that way (other people might not even feel that way) and a few minor things like the demeanor of the grandmother and the dead rat in the opening x3

In any case, I don't think it's bad at all to have that sort of thing. I think it can keep a reader on their toes, though sometimes people get annoyed when they don't pan out or anything. I didn't feel that way, and it seems they weren't intentional.

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