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Your Stories / Re: Rebound
« Last post by urkelbot666 on Yesterday at 06:33:42 PM »
I really like the concept, and the style is nice. I thought it was a short, sexy, fun read. One thing I'll mention is that it feels a little uneven to me. The buildup has a fair amount of detail and the pacing is consistent, but when the ending comes it seems chaotic and a little rushed. However, if this is what you were going for, then that's fine :) I just found it a bit jarring.

The nu-metal puns had me giggling, and the descriptions of the vile settings were good without being too over-the-top in gross out. I think going too far in that direction would have lessened the impact of the *ahem* "climax" :3

Thought I would have liked a little less in the first 3/4 and a little more in the last 1/4, it's short enough that the things I felt could have used tweaking were all but negligible.  Glad I gave this one a read!
Story Critique / Mansionhead
« Last post by Zathoth on 09:17:41 PM 08/14/17 »
Hey internet, this is Daniel Reynolds, some of you may remember me as Dan from the paranormal investigations channel Dark Specters. Before I begin this I want to come clear about something: The entire thing is made up, Erica is a brilliant video editor, and anything that seems real was made by her editing skills. I want to say sorry, but I won't. I will however thank everyone who supported us on patreon, skeptics and believers alike.
As you all know we stopped the channel after Todd fell down the stairs of the Shadowplains Mansion which was going to be our 20th episode. No it was not a ghost, no one even think it. The stairs were rotten and we were stupid going up there in the first place.
The thing is... well, I never really left.
It started a couple weeks after the final episode. I was walking my regular route home from work when the street warped into the cramped and crooked hallways of the Shadowplains Mansion.
I wandered for hours through dark corridors lined with paintings, candles and old, oaken doors when I gave up and with tears in my eyes fell asleep on the old, moth bitten carpet that covered the floor.
A mall cop woke me. The next day was hours of questions, what was I doing there? How did I get in? Was I on drugs? Had I stole anything? I answered no on all the questions, but to be honest I had no idea.
The next time it happened I was on the top floor of the mall with Erica when reality fell away and I was stuck on an old balcony overlooking a giant, decaying garden. The gargoyles framing the balcony turned their heads and seemed to be grinning at me and then... I was back in reality.
Erika looked at me confused "Did you disappear for a second?" I answered that she must have imagined it.
It has been happening more often. Closed rooms turn into gothic studies, a skeleton sits by the desk, illuminated by an open fire and candlelight. Its jaw falls open and it laughs at me silently.
I have several times woken up in ancient king sized beds, lying next to an unseen presence or hearing the laugher of children. Walking through parks I find reality flip like a pop-up book and transform into the wittered gardens of the Shadowplains estate. Crows circle over me and the corpses of flowers stalk me.
And the basements... I do not go down under ground anymore under any circumstances. The things I have seen down in the Shadowplains basements I don't want to even think about.
But it is in the eternally winding hallways I mostly find myself. Surrounded by doors that are either locked or containing things more horrifying than the hallways of paintings staring at me. I hear footsteps just beyond the corner I just passed. Some eldritch Minotaur always following me through this bizarre maze, but preferring the thrill of the chase to the catch remains unseen.
I fear the day The Shadowplains mansion folds up on me, but never lets me return to the real world, the day I will be sentenced to making the mansion my home.
It's fucking ridiculous, the Shadowplains was never real, it's just a bunch of stage flats we built to create the illusion of a real haunted mansion. It was over the top gothic on purpose.
And oh I knew Todd and Erica had been going behind my back, I made the steps too thin on purpose as revenge. Todd are you doing this to me? Is this your revenge? Of course not.
There is no such thing as ghosts, it's our minds that are haunted.
Story Critique / Re: A modest ritual
« Last post by lavecki on 05:00:51 PM 08/07/17 »
It probably could. Im not sure how to work it for a comedic impact. What you could probably do is be more forceful with the strict rules you want, that you inevitably break. Then make sure that there is something that the ritual acomplishes but make it be something that no one would ever really want/isnt worth the negatives: Experiance true happiness for .05 seconds, Choose the way you die but no the when. Things that dont have a good reason for you to want.
Story Critique / Re: A modest ritual
« Last post by Letrune on 10:47:56 AM 08/06/17 »
Thank you. :3 Now that I listened to the suggested story and read it myself, i feel like it beaten me in the execution amd the idea. If I rework it into a more comedic piece, could it work?
Your Stories / Re: One Sentence Pastas
« Last post by Letrune on 10:44:32 AM 08/06/17 »
I always loved flying, but the people below always throw rocks at me.
Your Stories / Re: One Sentence Pastas
« Last post by Secoura on 08:20:04 AM 08/05/17 »
I wouldn't mind the sound of footsteps from above my bedroom so much if I didn't live in a single story house.
Story Critique / Re: Loop
« Last post by lavecki on 02:22:42 PM 08/02/17 »
Right, I had the same reasoning for the pronoun. Like I said, I usually don't like it but I think it works well in this story, making the last pronoun slip more impact if you decide to go that direction.

Abysmii, while this was already answered by Cornerandchair I'll put my take on it. The trauma occurred prior to the wrist slitting, she is recalling things that she could have done after that initial trauma but these aren't things she actually did.
Story Critique / Re: A modest ritual
« Last post by lavecki on 02:06:50 PM 08/02/17 »
So the story was alright, but didn’t really have an impactful end. Let’s start with the “Rules” section. As listed:

The moment you start this ritual you cannot stop it
Do not record it
Do not use any electronics
Do not use cheap substitutes
Do not start it if you are believing in a few specific things. These are: Slavic Gods, Celtic Myths, Cajun and Polynesian Gods, Hollow Earth, and Suffragettes
You have to perform the ritual every year
You have to keep tabs on your possessions during the ritual!

So right from the start there are a few issues. Main issue is rule 1: The moment you start you cannot stop. At this point we have no reason to start the ritual because we don’t know what it is for. The first thing that you want to establish in ritual pasta is what the purpose of the ritual is. From my reading of the story it appears that it might be for eternal life, or at least to stave off death.

Most of the other rules make sense. I would shorten “Do not start it if you are believing in a few specific things. These are: Slavic Gods, Celtic Myths, Cajun and Polynesian Gods, Hollow Earth, and Suffragettes” to “Do not perform this ritual if you believe in: Slavic Gods, Celtic Myths, Cajun and Polynesian Gods, Hollow Earth, and Suffragettes” I really like the “Suffragettes” part because it’s the only one here that is a real life provable thing, it adds to the story for the why factor. I would also probably change the last two so that they are shortened: “You have to perform the ritual every year” becomes “The ritual must be performed yearly” and “You have to keep tabs on your possessions during the ritual!” becomes “Make sure you know where your possessions are at all times”

The next part is neat because, and I don’t know if this is intentional or not, you put “If anyone else” which implies that our narrator is unable to move their index fingers. I would take out “or such random Seemingly unrelated punishments” and add more actual examples of what can occur. “it is because at least one of these rules were ignored” fix the sentence up a bit.

Moving on to the items you need section we are given 4 objects: Mechanical Clock, Candles and Matches/ Lighter, Water and Bread, Something you believe in. There is a bit of an issue here because later in the story you also state that having Jam would be good to have as well as you need a mirror that can be laid down flat. The “Something you believe in” also appears to need to be a physical object if I read the rest of the story correct “Get the most powerful idol in your life ready. It can be a photocopy of it, the real deal, homemade, it does not matter, your belief does.”  So there are just some inaccuracies there. What I would do instead is get rid of the list and just work it into your narrative, same thing with the above rules. By working these into the narrative instead of just listing them out you have more control over them. For instance if I were to write it out instead of the list I might do something like this:

This ritual is very exact and can only be performed by those with…particular beliefs. Do not attempt this if you believe in any of the following: Slavic Gods, Celtic Myths, Cajun and Polynesian Gods, Hollow Earth, and Suffragettes, the results can be…disastrous. Additionally once this ritual has started there is no safe way to stop it, you must continue to the end, stopping for any reasons will result in a family member stumbling upon your empty husk of a body. You have been warned.

I think that gets my point across as to what you should be going for. As far as the ritual itself goes, there are a lot of inaccuracies. First it states that when the clock strikes 12 we need to start, but that a later step needs to be performed at 11:45. We are not allowed to have anything but bread and water, but jam also needs to be kept close.

The jam section seems to be out of place as it talks about what to do if we feel like the ritual failed, but at that point we still haven’t even started. This would go well in a spot where the ritual may have failed as you did later in the story.  The next paragraph talks about  being in a concrete room without furniture so that we don’t burn ourselves, but has not told us to light anything in this room yet.

Again the clock has struck 12 which seems to make this section start after the 11:45 part put I don’t know if I am able to perform the 12 o clock steps from before or not. “Every step is crucial” is not needed, actually the whole first sentence of the fourth “Ritual” paragraph isnt needed, I would just get rid of it, re-order your story so that the ritual performer is in the room at 12 and continue from there.

Next you ask the participant to start humming and if they stop they may not hear anything and it is a sign of great tragedy. This either should be removed or expounded upon. What kind of tragedy, what happens to people who stop humming etc. Also, there isnt any section that talks of what kind of candle to use. So if I use a 5 hour candle and have to wait until it is burned halfway, it will be 2:30 by the time that happens.

After that we come to the “Idol”. We have to kiss or rub our face against this idol while we hum, ok. But we need to do it until 12:30, then we freeze until 1. If for some reason we have to move during that 30 minute period we must hum again put then reverse our humming and lick the idol. This part seems very out of place an I am unsure of the intent of it. The same goes with the second part where you must hum in reverse hop on one leg and sing Im a little teapot. I understand that it is supposed to counter the negative effects but you should try to come up with something similar. For instance I would say if the jam sticks and doesn’t slide away you must now cover the entire mirror with jam and wait until 2.

The last section here talks about the other world and placing the mirror face down. I would advise you to not let the person leave the room. Also if standing on it is not necessary (most people are too heavy to stand on a mirror without it breaking) then I would remove that section as well.

The dangers section: This section should be worked into the narrative as well. Possibly as side effects of specific beliefs or when certain steps go wrong. The different phases also don’t make too much sense. Basically if the ritual fails you will become erratic and have thoughts of suicide or murder and will eventually act on those impulses. You can give examples sure, such as you did in the second paragraph but I think it is unecesary. I would just boil it down like I did above and not make it its own section, maybe add something like “I hope you aren’t near your loved ones when that happens”.

“There wont be a way out, unless you manage to do the ritual well” Uneccesary get rid of it.

Reward section: This seems to be saying “You get to live for another year.” Which would make sense if someone was dying of something, again, I would add this at the start. People need to have the incentive for why they are performing the ritual.

Summation: the story has a few problems but not anything that isnt readily fixable. What you want to do is entice people to try the ritual and then lead them into problems that they might encounter. There should be a clear reason for why people would want to try a ritual that might get them or others killed so you need to keep that in mind at all times when writing it. Don’t make the cost higher than the reward. If you want to I can be even more detailed and go line by line but I do feel it is important for you to do your own writing as that’s the only way to improve. I understand that English is not your first language and I tried to help out there where I could as well.  For a great ritual pasta that might help with improving the writing look to “The Devil Game” by InfernalNightmare333, it is a fantastic example of ritual pasta done right. Please also note that this is all meant as a suggestion and you can choose to listen or not as it is your story not mine.

Keep writing. - Lavecki
General Discussion / Re: I just bought
« Last post by FatalityMasterHGR on 09:52:35 PM 07/25/17 »
I'd say just run it separately, maybe putting up a widget like NoSleep. Or, maybe have a subsection called "2SPOOPY" or something specifically for Trollpastas.
CreepyPastas Only / The Kennels By Allen Chaney and Jennifer Kelsey
« Last post by jenniferific on 03:46:49 AM 07/22/17 »
   I woke up in the evening to find a little puddle of drool soaking in my pillow and a headache wracking my brain. As painful as it was I couldn't afford to miss out on work so I just had myself some coffee and took an Excedrin before slipping into my uniform. Frankly I didn't know why they made me wear the damn thing considering I was the only one in the store at night and all I had to do was take care of the animals. I liked my job despite the uniforms though because I pretty much got to play with the animals all night long which was great even when they bit me or peed on me. It took me a while to find my keys but soon I was heading out the door.

   When I got there one of the supervisors let me in, giving me a quick goodbye  before locking the door behind him. I made my initial rounds about the place to check on everything. Making sure the animals had food available, checking that all of their pens were secured so that none of them could get out, and taking stock of the backroom. It was while I was taking stock that I first saw it, a little tail sticking out around a corner that looked like it belonged to one of the dogs. Figuring I just had forgotten to check one of their pens and one had gotten loose I went to check it out only to find nothing there. I was kind of confused but eventually I just brushed it off as me having mistaken something else for a tail or even just imagining the whole thing.

   In the stock room there was a door with an exit sign that from what I could piece together of the building in my head would not lead outside, maybe it lead to the loading bay but that didn't seem right either. About when I finished taking stock is when I heard a knocking at that door. I didn't know who would possibly knocking on one of our exits especially at this time of night and when I went to check on the door the sound stopped just as suddenly as it had started. I made sure that door wasn't open and called out to anyone who might be on the other side but there was no reply. I resumed making my rounds feeling a bit anxious because I had no idea what that knocking was and my mind was racing with ideas on what it could have been.

   I first made my way to the storefront as I wanted to make sure that whoever was knocking wasn't trying to bust in through the windows. While I didn't see anyone at the front I did manage to spooky myself when I caught my own reflection in the glass. I realized how silly this all was, people knocking at exit doors, seeing dog tails it was almost comical. I turned around to look back over the store front and the storefront seemed just fine, well that was until I noticed that the employee entrance to the back was ajar. Thats when I saw the dogs head poking through the door, its eyes reflected the moonlight at me making them look like they were glowing, the rest of its head shrouded in shadow but I could make tell by the shape that it was most likely a german shepard.

   I froze in place, retracing my steps in my head to make sure that I didn't leave any dog kennel unchecked because I swore I had made sure everyone was unlocked. Then I took a slow step towards the dog saying in a sweet, calming voice "Hey there puppy. What are you doing out here? We need to get you back into your kennel. Come here. Come here." The dog's only reply was to let out a long howl that sounded like almost like a man crying out in pain. The noise sent a shiver down my spine. Pulling its head back in I could barely hear the skittering noise of its claws on the linoleum as it ran away.
   Not once have I heard about the dogs getting out at night since I've started working here, it didn't even really seem possible with how tight the locks were. I stood there dumbfounded for a moment before realizing that I should probably chase after that dog. I jogged over to the door and when I stepped into the back I could not tell where the dog had gone at all. Sighing and rubbing my temples I scolded myself for not immediately chasing after the dog. I didn't have time to be feeling sorry for myself though so I began searching around the shop for the dog.

   I searched through a few of the rooms not finding any sign of the dog at all. It almost seemed fruitless until I thought that maybe he might be up on the roof since the door leading up there was pretty unreliable at staying shut. The roof was not the best place to be as the rains a little while ago and that had caused a section of it to cave in while the rest of it  wasn't too structurally sound either. Management was tense in even sending us up there since we might get hurt if there was another cave in so I really hoped that the dog was not up there.

   Reaching the roof access door I sighed and cursed the multiple handymen who had been called to repair the door when I saw it a bit open, just enough for the dog to walk on through. When I stepped out onto the roof I did not see the dog though and I was a bit relieved before I realized that the dog might have hurt itself by falling into that hole which looked just a bit bigger now. I couldn't actually get into the closed off part of the store through regular means and if that dog was hurt or dead I knew I would lose my job. I inched my way slowly towards the corner of the store where the hole was, the moon above casting a glow over the strangely empty roof. When I reached the hole my teeth were clenched as I scanned the roof for any sign of a further cave in and I was repeating "Please don't break." in my head repeatedly.

   I leaned in a bit to look into the hole and thankfully there was nothing in there. Letting out the breath I had been holding, relieved that the dog had not gotten hurt by coming up here now I just had to make sure I didn't either. That's when I heard the sudden dischordant barking of dogs and as I turned about confused the ground beneath my foot gave way, my leg falling into the hole. My leg got scraped form the slip but I managed to pull myself up and make it back to the doorway. Breathing heavily I put my hand to my heart to feel it beating at a million miles an hour from the adrenaline now pumping through my system and after a short rest I made my way down to the kennels to see what had caused the barking that had almost killed me.

   As I was nearing the kennel doors I heard a very loud slam come from around where the kennels would be and I quickly dashed over to the room. Throwing the doors open I stepped inside, looking over all the kennels, dogs barking loudly at me as I passed by them. Checking every last kennel I finally came upon one holding a german shepard, one who not only was barking but was banging around in the kennel and even started biting at my hand as I checked the lock. The lock was fine but the dog wasn't. It started growling and foaming at the mouth.

   I stumbled back falling onto my ass, my eyes going wide as I saw the sure symptoms of rabies. Feeling a sweat pooling on my shirt I wiped my hands on it finding that the sweat was actually drool and as I reached up, putting my hand to my mouth I felt the wetness on my hand. Looking down at my hand I saw that my drool was foaming as well. My eyes rolled back in my head and I fell to the floor unconcious.

   My head hurt when I woke up a couple days later in a hospital bed surrounded by family. They had brought some of my stuff for me and they wished me better health before visiting hours were over. I had some time during the week to type this up but the doctors told me this is gonna kill me. I had enough of my mind left to tell them that isn't fair but not enough to listen to how they responded. I saw the dog pass by in the hallway of the hospital behind them and they had to restrain me.

I swear that fucker was laughing at me.
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