Cool Cat Kills the Kids
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Posted by Slimebeast on: 04:04 PM, 05/18/16
(This was deleted from NoSleep for obvious reasons, and I don't really want to put it in with my Slimy Stories on my site -- again, for obvious reasons. XD)

So... yeah.

I found an old "Cool Cat" video.

I don't know if you're aware of exactly what this means. "Cool Cat" is a character created by Derek Savage, an eccentric older gentleman who invented the anthropomorphic feline to teach children about safety.

I won't bore you with more backstory than that, as you can pretty much search YouTube for anything and everything you need to know about the franchise. I'd suggest "YourMovieSucks" as he's done the most comprehensive videos on the subject.

Well, at least I thought they were comprehensive until last Thanksgiving. I was visiting family out on the west coast, celebrating our AstroTurfing of Native American soil, eating enough to feed several starving families twice over, the usual.

My family's always been a bit odd, but of course everyone says that. We all have the weird Uncle or demented Grandparent that the family doesn't really want to invite. Well... my family's pretty much made entirely of those people.

I'm not kidding when I say there's a decades-old matter of incest no one talks about.

So yeah. Weird.

As it turns out, my cousin Bart recently passed away. I didn't know about this until days before the event, when it was casually mentioned that there would be one less attendee. I was a little shocked that I'd never been told, but we've never been that prone to sentiment, really.

What you should know, other than the fact he was dead, was that Bart owned a video store. An honest-to-goodness rental place that refused to change with the times. Apparently, he had a small group of regular customers - hipsters and nostalgia geeks - who would occasionally come by looking for something strange.

Before Thanksgiving dinner, while Mom and Aunt Tilly argued over who specifically was ruining it, a couple of my still-breathing cousins took me out to the shed where Bart's hoard was slowly gathering mold.

The first things I noticed were the VHS tapes. It was jarring to see them, almost as if I'd forgotten they existed. The majority were all horrible, tragic abortions that had some slight value as kitsch discussion pieces... things to watch and laugh at with your friends. "Troll 2", for example.

The others, though, were kind of disturbing. Very specific fetish porn... stuff I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to watch... and videos on Hitler, Genocides, etc. I guess there were a few edgy young adults sitting around in their living room chortling at those.

Everyone started picking through the DVDs. Again... not sentimental folk.

I joined in after a minute. Honestly, I felt that immediate need to dig in before the "good" stuff was gone, but the nagging feeling that I needed to at least appear slightly less heartless than I was got the better of me in that passing early moment.

I even grabbed a couple VHS tapes. "Troll 2" being the first. I felt like if Bart was stocking the items, then there probably was some sort of vintage market to sell them. I didn't want any of the gross exploitation shit, though.

When I got to the bottom of the cassette pile, that's when I was surprised yet again. A familiar orange face was staring back at me. Wide eyes, goofy grin... I recognized the character immediately.

Cool Cat. Who saved the kids.

I think I muttered something out of sheer amazement. Probably "Wow" or an equally lame thing to say when rifling through abject garbage. I scooped the tape up with the others and finished setting aside all the stuff I wanted.

It didn't strike me until later... days later... that the tape was a little less than professional. Even for Mr. Savage's blunted creative tools. The box art, the photo of Cool Cat staring forward, was off-center. It was sloppily produced. The colors seemed faded from age at first, but it was actually the original print that was light and washed out.

The title wasn't in keeping with the usual fare, either. "Cool Cat". That was it. No colon followed by "Saves the Environment" or "Stops Sexual Abuse" or anything else.

The back of of the box read like the rambling of someone who had forgotten what they'd set out to create...

"Cool Cat! All the kids love Cool Cat. Cool Cat loves the kids, and loves you. When bullies are around, there's nothing you can do but STOP THEM from being no-good punk children. That's the Cool Cat way -- Yahooooo!"

A few photos were interspersed within the text. One of Cool Cat's eyes too close to the camera. A shot of his orange, cloth paw pressed against a brick wall. A picture of a juice box that had been stepped on.

Yesterday, I watched the video. This is the exact moment when I finally felt I could describe what I've seen.

Cool Cat, just as we've all seen him, was strolling down the sidewalk in an adequately bland suburban neighborhood. The background music was some random, looping electronic '80s fare... stuff that belongs in the Public Domain if it wasn't there already.

"Oh, no!" Cool Cat shouted in his nasal, screeching voice as he stopped dead in his tracks. "What is that kid doing?!"

The film immediately cut to grainy, black and white closed circuit camera footage. It was the same sidewalk, but Cool Cat was now gone. A young boy, maybe eight years old, rode his scooter through the shot. He stopped half-way to flip up the flag on a mailbox.

Back to Cool Cat in full color. Even though there was static and the screen rolled now and again, the difference in quality was way less than subtle.

"A bully?!" Cool Cat exclaimed. He put his paws to his cheeks and shook his head slowly.

I didn't get it. You probably don't get it, either. I can't help you, there.

"Daddy Derek!" shouted Cool Cat as he raced into the house. "Daddy Derek, there's a bully and he's just vandalizing... everything like a no-good meanie!"

The house was different from what I've seen in Derek's films. It was more run-down. It didn't belong in the nice neighborhood I'd just seen. Rotten dishes were sitting in a kitchen sink visible in the background, and a cobweb dangled in the corner of the ceiling.

"No." Derek gasped in mock-disbelief. His acting was just as awful, then. "A bully? Well, gosh. That's not good. Not good at all."

At this point I should mention that Mr. Savage was younger than he is now. Again, this video was clearly dated. He still had enough hair to keep from having to comb it forward, and he was in better shape. More muscular.

What disturbed me, though, was the look in his eyes. It was something I hadn't noticed in his current videos. His eyes were dark. Unfeeling. When he pretended to react to Cool Cat's news... to have emotion... there was nothing actually there. It was like an automaton going through the motions of how he heard human beings were supposed to act.

"What do we do, Daddy Derek?!" Cool Cat cried out.

"Well," Derek stammered a bit, "Bullies are a serious issue plaguing our streets today. What do you think, Mama?"

With a less-that-subtle film cut, Derek turned to "Mama Cat"... which of course is the same Cool Cat costume and actor in a dress and so forth.

"Oh, sugar lumps. I wish you'd stop worrying about those mean ol' bullies. They get you awful worked up, honey pie!" she cooed.

I couldn't put my finger on what was wrong with Mama Cat right away. It would dawn on me later.

The scene shifted back to Cool Cat.

"Well if we don't stop the bullies..." Cool Cat seemed flustered. He clearly forgot the rest of his line.

Derek quietly mumbled something under his breath. I couldn't quite tell what it was, but I assume it was a lead-in to the rest of what Cool Cat was supposed to say.

"If we don't do it, their Mommies and Daddies sure won't!" Cool Cat proclaimed, almost proudly.

The film cut to a grainy, black-and-white feed again.

This time, the setting was a cellar. Dirt floor. Exposed beams. Pipes criss-crossing the ceiling.

Beyond these scant details in the foreground, I could barely make out what I was looking at. The room was dark, which didn't help the poor video quality. I could, however, vaguely make out a bit of movement somewhere around the center of the screen.

The audio was really bad at this point. Either it had degraded, or, more likely, the recording set-up was beneath even "Cool Cat" levels of quality.

I could hear stilted, heavy breathing from behind the camera. It sounded like whoever was operating the video device was either  winded from some sort of activity, or he was very, very excited.

After a minute or two of eerie blackness... of my mind playing tricks on me as to what I could or couldn't see... the light came on.

I wish it hadn't.

The kid on the scooter... the "bully"... was there. His arms were somehow constrained behind his back. A rope extended from his arms, suspending him from one of the aforementioned pipes.

The boy was awake, and after a moment of his eyes adjusting, he stared directly into the camera. There was a thousand-yard stare on his face. Something had terrorized him into a sort of stoic silence.

Cool Cat entered the frame.

"You know," Cool Cat said, his shrill voice even more piercing through this microphone, "Being a bully just isn't cool. Noooo way!"

Cool Cat circled the boy, who refused to break eye contact with the camera.

"I bet you're just a no-good bully because you have no friends! No one will notice you're gone or miss you!" The disquieting man-cat continued to circle the child. "Well, guess what? I'm Cool Cat, and I have a whole heap of friends! You'll never be cool like me because no one likes you!"

Cool Cat swung the kid back and forth a bit, making him wince in pain. All the while, Cool Cat let out an obnoxious forced laugh.

He was still acting. Badly.

Derek entered the frame.

"Now Cool Cat, remember. We don't play with bullies!"

They both fake-laughed.

The most important thing, here... is that Derek was almost completely naked. The only thing covering him was a pair of white underpants that looked as if he'd been wearing them for months on end. Even on the colorless screen, I could still tell they were graying.

Derek seemed drunk. He was off-kilter... slurring a bit. He steadied himself on a water heater toward the back of the room as he and Cool Cat continued to laugh long after anything supposedly "funny" had been said.

When the laughter stopped, the rage came out. Derek laid into the helpless, frozen child with foam-spitting fury. He gestured wildly like a sign language interpreter on meth trying to tell a tongue-twister. He screamed directly in the kid's face, and for the most part I have no idea what he was saying. To be honest, I feel confidant in saying it was almost all gibberish.

One of the insane segments I could make out, and I remember it perfectly, was this...

"You're nothing but a punk liar, and a bullying bitch! This, right now? This is not bullying, and you can believe that. What I'm doing now... this is setting something right after you lied and bullied and cheated like a dumb little baby. You'll never be cool. Not like Cool Cat, and not like me!"

The first time I saw the little boy move at all was when Derek held his mouth and nose shut. The man never flinched. Never had a second thought about what he was doing. It takes a long time to suffocate someone to death, apparently. Even a child. Throughout the entirety, Mr. Savage did not faulter.

When Derek was done with the deed, he stepped back and slapped himself across the face a few times. He shook his head repeatedly and let out a series of hot-tempered breaths.

"Oh, goodie!" Cool Cat cheered as he jumped in place.

The camera followed Cool Cat as he strolled to the side of the cellar and lifted an old blue tarp. Beneath it, there was a pile. A pile of five to seven dead children. I couldn't tell the exact number due to the jutting limbs and the various states of decay.

"Now we can add him to my heap of friends!" Cool Cat thrust a victory paw in the air. "Allllright!"

Derek didn't say anything. He simply stared at the dangling, swaying corpse in front of him like a boxer about to take on a punching bag. Cool Cat looked at Derek, then to the child, then back to Derek again.

"Want me to get Mama?" Cool Cat asked helpfully.

"Huh?" Derek huffed, "Oh. Yeah. Yeah, you do that, Cool Cat. Go get Mama for me."

This is the point when I realized what was wrong with Mama Cat earlier in the movie.

She didn't have a female voice. It was still the same "Cool Cat" actor talking to him while portraying his wife.

Cool Cat sashayed over to Derek.

"Why, there's my big, strong pumpkin pie!" Cool Cat exclaimed, "You've had a big day, haven't you? Fighting those bullies... making your amazing movies... getting to meet Van Halen. Here, let ol' Mama Cat help you relax."

Derek took Cool Cat in his arms, like a gorilla holding its treasured kitten... and that's when I stopped the tape. I had already seen too much, and the realization that I could end my own torment arrived too late... or just in time, depending on your point of view.

I don't know if I should be taking the time to type this right now. At least there's a record, now. An imperfect record, but a record nonetheless. I suppose the next step is for me to find out how to transfer a VHS tape to a digital format so I can post this somewhere. Anywhere.

There's no way to tell what's going to come of this, but I feel like for better or worse there has to be some transparency here. The world needs to see what's happened, what this man is capable of, and people need to be held to account.

I just ask that in return for posting this, you do me one favor.

If anything happens to me before I break this shit wide open... don't let them convince people I'm a lying bully.

« Last Edit: 07:25 PM, 09/ 8/18 by Slimebeast »

Posted by Zathoth on: 07:05 PM, 05/18/16
That was entertaining for a crappy pasta XD

He gestured wildly like a sign language interpreter on meth trying to tell a tongue-twiter.

Great sentence XD

Posted by Lyca on: 09:24 AM, 01/18/17
That was horribly unsettling.... though I guess that was the effect you were going for...

It kind of sort of reminded me of an old story I read years ago as a kid..  there was this old woman who had a massive plumb tree in her garden and kids would sneak in to pinch some fruit.. she hated the 'thieves' and lured a little boy into her house promising him lots of plums..

Then she tied him up in her basement.. and you can guess what happened... turned out she had killed a few more 'thieves' previously...

I remember that story because I was young when I read it and I was naive and expected the kid to get away.. (most horror films and stories didn't seem to kill kids back then) and this was relentlessly cruel and graphic.. and it just ended with the old lady looking at more boys stealing from her tree..


Posted by Cainmak on: 10:20 AM, 07/15/17
I don't know why, but this seems appropriate. I could imagine Daddy Derek first making Cool Cat as an exploitation movie xD


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