Author Topic: How to Summon a Fish (2018 RitualPasta Challenge)  (Read 863 times)

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How to Summon a Fish

As you are likely well aware, it is very difficult, even more dangerous, and frequently forbidden or otherwise illegal to summon a fish. This instructional pamphlet is for educational and/or entertainment purposes only. The publishers of this pamphlet are legally required to state that they do not encourage anyone reading this to attempt the ritual detailed within.

Before attempting any form of ritual involving fish, it is highly advisable to be well prepared, both in case of emergency and because some of the required materials are incredibly difficult to acquire mid-ritual. While this ritual can, and probably should, be done alone, it is advisable to have a friend, acquaintance, or hired hand present to assist with certain tasks and watch for signs of danger. Please read the full instructions before attempting the ritual.

·         45 to 60 wax candles, 2 inches in diameter and 5 inches tall or 2.54cm in diameter and 30.48cm tall (just remember, fish can tell whether or not you are using the metric system), preferably in red or chartreuse. The number required varies depending on exactly what fish you are summoning. It is recommend to keep an excess of candles, as you can never be too prepared when summoning fish.
·         Three to five large bags of sand, preferably taken from a beach or lakeside. The exact amount required varies based on which fish you intend on summoning, but you want enough to create thick, unbroken lines when you create your geometric summoning pattern. Most fish cannot cross sand, as they understand it to mark the floor and walls of their environment.
·         The cries of a dying animal, preferably avian or mammalian. While you could have a dying animal physically present during the ritual, it is easier to go out and make an audio recording. Ideally, you want at least 10 hours of audio, but 2 to 3 hours is usually enough. It is, however, vital that the recording has never been used for summoning a fish before, so it is best if you personally make the recording and keep it safe.
·         A vial full of an arsenic-mercury solution. The size and shape of the vial are irrelevant, it simply must be a vial and it must be full. It is highly recommended that the amount of arsenic in the solution is a non-fatal dosage for someone of your size, weight, and general health.

The ritual should be performed in a small room, just big enough to fit your geometric summoning pattern and yourself. Calculate the size and shape of your geometric summoning pattern as well as the required number of candles [see tables 3, 4, and 7a for imperial; tables 5,6, and 7b for metric], remember to check your local laws concerning the legality of angles exceeding 180 degrees. Draw the pattern with sand, starting with any interior lines and finishing with the outer perimeter; again, the lines should be thick and unbroken. Place your candles evenly spaced around the pattern, firmly anchored in the lines. Remove any and all light sources from the room besides the candles. If you have pre-recorded the cries of a dying animal, position the playback device behind you, with the speakers facing your back; if you are in the room with the animal, it should be close enough that you can smell its blood but far enough that it cannot bleed on you.

Step 1:
Using either wooden matches or a refillable cigarette lighter, light the candles starting with the one closest to you and then proceeding in a clockwise pattern. You must either remain completely silent or, if you are summoning a whitefish, count aloud in a language other than your first.

Step 2:
Sit or kneel before the pattern and close your eyes. Remember the candles and listen to their flickering.

Step 3:
When you feel that you have sufficiently contemplated the candles, start listening to the cries of a dying animal. You must hear the cries, but listen to the inevitable silence that they promise.
Optimally, they should start at a low volume and steadily increase until they are deafening and distorted. If you are not alone and are using a recording, simply have your partner manage the volume. If you are alone, set it to automatically increase over time. If the dying animal is in the room with you, force yourself to hear the cries at an increasing volume.

Step 4:
Focus on the name of the fish you wish to summon. Not the genus or species, but the individual name. It may be impossible to summon specific fish if its name is too common; for example, all bighead goby (Drombus globiceps) are named Jörge, but that name is not exclusive to that species of fish. It is currently impossible to summon fish with unpronounceable names.
Unfortunately, the best way to learn a specific fish’s name is to either summon another fish or get your hands on one of the rare directories written by madmen with too much time on their hands. Directories written by madmen with just enough or too little time list the names of gastropods or cephalopods respectively.

Step 5:
Say a name (any name) aloud and demand that the fish come to you. You will likely have to make the demand multiple times and may have to declare why it is your right to make demands of the fish.You may open your eyes after making your first demand.

Step 6:
At some point, a fish will have arrived when you were not paying attention to the geometric summoning pattern. They always arrive in the center of the pattern, but tend to push up themselves against the sand, searching for rifts in the barrier.

Now What?
Once you have summoned a fish, there are several things you can do. You can ask it to reveal its secrets or learn snippets of ancient wisdom. You can softly rub it against your cheek while whispering a wish in a language you do not understand; be warned, the fish will exploit any loopholes created from poor translation or improper pronunciation. Finally, you can just cook and eat the fish.

Emergency Situations:
In the event that you lose control of the ritual, immediately open and drink your arsenic-mercury solution. This will instantly end the ritual and banish any entities attempting to breach into and invade our reality. Fortunately, while you do not have much time to end the ritual once something goes wrong, it is blatantly obvious when something has gone wrong. Most fish are not subtle in their attempts to break through the fabric of reality, the only exception being the coelacanth. Never summon a coelacanth, the reward in no way outweighs the risk.

Publisher’s Note:
Once again, this pamphlet is for education and/or entertainment purposes only. It has been approved for distribution by the Bureau of Citizen Affairs and the Hazardous Information Agency. This guide is in no way an endorsement of the summoning of fish.