Windless (Ghost story contest entry)

  • 1 Replies
  • 522 Views

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Zathoth

    *
  • Overseer
  • ***
  • Posts: 147
  • I have a special plan for this world
    • View Profile
« on: 09:21:51 PM 09/19/17 »
I was taking a walk the woods a few days ago when I came across a field where the weeds waved in the wind.
Except there was no wind. I am not mistaken, I very seriously looked for any sign of a breeze, but there was none. I soon found out that even if I waved my hand or blew at the weeds the air would not move. I spent about an hour experimenting with this and came the conclusion that it was impossible to make the air move on the field.
Still the weeds danced.
I woke up the day after and went about my day. I went into town to do some grocery shopping. I was just comparing two large melons to each other when in the corner of my eye I saw two old ladies whispering to each other and staring at me. Randomly deciding on one of the melons I scurried away and quickly paid for it.
I sat down by my computer to write - the reason for my self-imposed exile the city in the first place -when I heard something knocking at my window. Startled I snapped out of the writers trance and glanced over at the window. It was only the old oak outside. I chuckled and went back to writing.
Waking up I found the door open and the melon in the living room. Nothing else was out of place and nothing was missing. I shrugged and went into the kitchen to cut up the melon but slipped with the knife and cut myself. Swearing I got my finger patched up and changed my mind about the melon and got outside instead.
The evening was silent and still, the flowers flowing in the wind, except once again there was none.
It hit me right there - standing on my porch - what was happening. I hurried inside and locked the door behind me. I am now huddling in my office, writing this with the door locked. The oak outside is dancing madly by unseen strings and something is creeping around my hallway, I can hear the floor boards creek.

I just heard the office door unlock
« Last Edit: 09:25:38 PM 09/19/17 by Zathoth »

LionOhDay

    *
  • Victim
  • *
  • Posts: 26
  • Spread the word.
    • View Profile
« Reply #1 on: 09:38:06 PM 09/19/17 »
Feel free to ignore my criticism ; )

You've got some Grammar issues, I could point them out but you'd probably find them just by reading your story aloud.

More importantly I think the ending to the story doesn't work and really waste what you crafted previously. The idea of a field that bends back like it's getting hit by a great wave of wind, only there is no breeze is a cool concept but then it's just a monster thats at the door.

So I'd recomend tweaking that ending.